The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Lovers
I often receive questions asking for relationship advice, but I’ve realized that I rarely answer them. I do think talking about relationships has a place in a sex column; sex takes place in many different contexts, including romantic relationships, and how a relationship is doing will affect the quality of the sex.
However, there’s no way for an outsider to ever fully understand what’s going on between two people, which is why I don’t usually feel comfortable offering relationship advice.
I do think it’s important to talk about relationships though, which is why I wanted to share the work of psychologist John Gottman with you this week. Gottman specializes in marriage and relationship analysis, and has conducted studies to identify common behaviours among couples that stay together. This research has become the base for seven principles he has identified for making marriage work.
It’s rare to see emphasis placed on personal development or growth in the context of romantic relationships. Having to work on a relationship or the possibility of changing through one is often framed negatively, but openness to change and growth through the people we share experiences with is actually very important.
This doesn’t mean changing who we are for others, but rather being able to question who we are and make the changes we want for ourselves. Many relationships won’t last forever, but there’s always the potential to learn from them.
You don’t need to be married or even heading towards marriage for these principles to be relevant. They can even be applied to close friendships. An awareness of these principles will be helpful for people seeking growth as both part of a couple and as individuals.
1. Enhance your love maps. Love maps are where you store all important information about your partner and are fueled by genuine interest in your partner’s universe. These are the stories they tell that shape your understanding of who they are and what matters most to them.
It’s important to actively listen when they’re telling you about their childhood best friend, or about the co-worker they really don’t get along with.
2. Nurture fondness and admiration. Happy couples have admiration and an overall positive view of each other. Even when frustrated, they are convinced that their partner deserves respect, and can remember that the person in front of them is not an enemy but someone they love.
3. Turning towards each other instead of away. This is about the small, seemingly meaningless gestures that remind your partner that they matter to you. This can literally mean turning toward them when they speak, taking your eyes off your phone to give them your full attention, and acknowledging the things they say.
This is also the difference between saying “I’m too busy” when your partner wants to talk, and saying you’re busy but really want to talk about this later—and making sure you take the time to do so.
4. Let your partner influence you. This means opening yourself up to the possibility of your views changing through your partner’s perspective. It’s not about being passive, but about respecting their input enough to search for common ground and compromise.
5. Solve solvable problems. There are two types of problems in every relationship—solvable and perpetual—and it’s important to be able to tell the difference. Solvable problems are confined to situations and aren’t indicative of a larger problem, but are usually rooted in behaviours.
An example of this would be forgetting to call when someone said they would. Gottman recommends five steps for solvable problems: (1) Avoid criticism or contempt, (2) Make and receive gestures that lessen tension, (3) Soothe yourself and your partner by taking breaks to relax, (4) Compromise and find common ground and (5) Be tolerant of each other’s faults.
6. Overcome gridlock. Perpetual problems involve deep beliefs and dreams that you may never agree on. The most common examples are incompatible views on marriage, having kids, and spiritual or cultural values.
It’s important to identify the dreams that fuel each person’s perspective, and to keep the conversation alive through communication. This can help identify workable areas and minimize resentment by making time for each partner to be heard.
7. Create shared meaning. Couples have their own culture that only they can fully see and understand. This culture involves rituals that become unspoken, like greeting each other the same way every time or having an action that means “I love you.” It also involves shared stories, inside jokes, and all aspects that make the couple’s space unique.
While these seven principles don’t guarantee a successful relationship, Gottman’s model is based on respect and maintaining friendship—two things that every relationship needs. These principles can also easily be modified and applied to any of your interpersonal relationships.
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