Your kink is not my problem
Saying no shouldn’t be uncomfortable
When we talk about sexual kinks, we often think of extremes such as bondage, degradation, wax play or foot fetishes.
People tend to forget that sexual actions like choking, teasing, and dirty talk are also kinks. When we express interest in one of these normalized acts of kink, saying “no” or being unenthusiastic about the act is a perfectly acceptable answer.
The acceptance and normalization of kinks have made some believe that it is essential to good sex. When a kink is introduced on a whim in the bedroom, a conversation must be had to ensure both parties are comfortable. And it most definitely should not be a problem if your partner doesn’t enjoy your kink as much as you.
Lacking interest or excitement in a kink can often be mistaken for kink-shaming. Kink-shaming is the act of intentionally making people feel bad or gross about their kinks. No individual should be accused of kink-shaming when addressing something that makes them uncomfortable.
Your kink can still be respected even if your partner is uncomfortable engaging in it.
But your kink is not my problem.
Performing any sexual acts, especially kinks, should be a fun and consensual experience for all parties involved. Consent is not a given, even in established sexual relationships.
Many sexual kinks are born out of experiences in a person’s life that lead them to crave a particular feeling — some people crave control, others crave giving up all control. For each person, the degree to which these feelings are expressed through kinks varies. Someone who wants to feel more dominant may choose to express that through dirty talk and light choking, whereas others may choose to express dominance by using flogs and handcuffs on their partner. Both of these modes of expression are valid.
The normalization of kinks is beneficial as we are creating a safe environment in which more people can feel comfortable talking about sexuality. But it seems we've forgotten how to set boundaries.
If you’re into it, embrace kinky. Exploration is the best way to get to know yourself. Communication is everything and makes all the difference in the way that we express our sexual preferences and (dis)comforts.
This article originally appeared in Volume 45, Issue 4, published October 22, 2024.
