Nah’msayin?
Braindead Bagel Burglars Beware
I love Tim Horton’s. It’s a wonderful, magical place where the holes in the bagels are formed by magical unicorns thrusting through the dough with their glimmering horns while magical fairies urinate coffee into the pots. It’s basically Disneyland for the taste buds.
The downside is that, like a real amusement park, Timmy’s line-ups seem to be filled with an awful lot of slack-jawed, drooling tools whose parents would have been better off remembering Jesus’ sacred teachings on condoms instead of getting their conceive on.
I seem to have misplaced my English-to-Idiot dictionary, but recently I discovered that in Idiot, the word for ‘bagel with cream cheese’ is actually the same as ‘ham sandwich.’ Crazy!
So please, stupid people—those of you who possess the intellectual capacities to know who you are—if you’re capable of memorizing Limp Bizkit lyrics and recognizing brands of massive spinning hub-caps on your fuel-inefficient cars, you’re capable of checking the frigging bag the nice employee is handing you.
For the sake of all that is holy, make sure you are not about to eat my bagel. (You can understand, I hope, that this is particularly important in Montreal.)
Ahhh, who am I kidding? You’re not reading this. You’re looking at all the pretty, pretty pictures on this page instead.
—Adam Kovac
Current Affairs Editor
