New Hive Café Timeline Announced
Floating Café to Launch in 3014 and Include Locally-Sourced Oxygen
Concordia Student Union president-elect Ned Bunty met with Link reporters and other members of campus media late last week to unveil his team’s new timeline for the Hive Café.
Bunty, along with members of the newly elected Isolation Matters team, presented the timeline in front of the building that was, up until recently, intended to house the Hive Café. As Bunty elaborated, however, Isolation Matters has drastically altered the café’s plans to “better reflect the values we, as a small group of individuals, think students have, probably.”
Bunty stressed that the original plans for the café, which would serve as a place for students to grab a quick bite to eat before heading to class, were “too boring and mainstream,” to appeal to students.
“We figured, if this café isn’t going to materialize for at least 60 or 70 years, why not make that an even 1,000? Students have waited this long, they can wait a little longer, right? It’s a more realistic timeline, for sure,” he said.
The added time will allow Bunty’s team to develop their “bitchingly awesome” café, which, among other things, is slated to include a menu featuring food from over 100 countries, as well as “new alien cultures that will probably be a thing soon.”
The café will float at a comfortable height of 50 feet and will be accessible only by jetpacks that students will be given on the first day of classes, thanks to money from the Student Space and Legal Contingency Fund.
“You won’t need a contingency plan for how badass you’ll look with one of these babies strapped to your back, am I right?” Bunty said, before asking for high-fives from those in attendance at the press conference.
Isolation Matters ran on a platform of emphasizing polarizing aspects of Concordia’s student body, and Bunty says the hovering café will do just that.
“Creating a ‘community’ is okay, I guess, but wouldn’t you rather take to the skies like some sort of human-bird hybrid and enjoy your sandwiches above the clouds, where nobody will bother you about ‘solidarity’ or other bullshit?” Bunty said.
Another feature that Bunty is excited about is the café’s oxygen supply, which will be entirely locally sourced from small farms in the area.
“[The outgoing CSU president] was totally trying to pull a fast one on students with her plans for expensive, outsourced oxygen from like, the Alps or whatever, which I can say with 100 per cent confidence is so not cool, you know?” said Bunty.
“I know it seems like a ways away, but I think students are willing to wait a few hundred years if it means we can finally stop buying corporate oxygen from corporate bigwigs like Shartwells.”
Bunty ignored reporters’ requests for further clarification on how his team plans to ensure that the café’s oxygen won’t mix with the oxygen outside, which, as he put it, “could come from literally anywhere, because nobody can master the air, man,” and instead simply walked away, muttering to himself about where to order monogrammed jetpacks.
NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.
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