Sex and Pancakes

Busting Nuts

  • Graphic Melissa Fuller

Getting hit in the crotch is pretty much a universal comedic gag, but obviously the reality of being the receiver isn’t so fun. How bad can the consequences really be? Is it true a hit can kill you?

—Bieber My Balls

I really want to start this column off by saying that hitting someone in the groin really isn’t funny and should never be done unless it’s a method of self-defense in a dangerous situation. It is in no way a demonstration of “girl power,” as I’ve heard some women call it and can actually be quite dangerous.

I also want to say that I’m not a medical professional, so the most important information I can pass along is that if you’re experiencing extreme testicular pain that lasts over an hour without getting any better and is accompanied by nausea and vomiting, get yourself to a doctor for examination. (In case that wasn’t obvious.)

So, let’s talk about blunt testicular trauma. It’s pretty rare, but if you suspect it, it’s always better to be safe than sorry, especially if you ever plan on having little ones.

Blunt trauma can happen when force is applied to the testicles, like when you receive a kick or hit to the balls. In the majority of cases your testicles will absorb the shock, it’ll really suck for a bit, and then you’ll feel better.
A more rare occurrence from blunt trauma is testicular rupture. Okay, so it has the word rupture, which is pretty intimidating, but keep in mind that it takes about 50 kg of pressure to actually rupture a testicle. Testicular rupture happens when the layer of tissue that surrounds the testicles tears and bleeds. Even if you do suffer testicular rupture, while I’m pretty sure it isn’t fun, it isn’t the end for your boy parts, although prompt medical attention is pretty important.

If you aren’t erect when you get hit in the dick, you’re most likely fine. If you’re erect, while you can’t “break” your dick because there’s no bone, you can fracture it. Penile fractures most commonly happen from a bad move during sex, tripping, or turning over while sleeping. What physically happens? A penile fracture is when you rupture (there’s that word again) the tunica albuginea, which is tissue that surrounds the canals that contain the blood during an erection.

Sounds like fun right? It’s usually painfully obvious when this has occurred, but in case you somehow missed it, there’s a popping or cracking sound, you immediately go soft, your penis may look a little bent and will likely bruise up pretty quickly. Oh, and did I mention it really hurts? Because it does.

Some guys get really embarrassed when this happens and don’t go to the doctor, but that’s pretty much the worst thing you can do. Penile fractures almost always require surgical repair and ignoring it could mean erectile dysfunction, damage to the urethra (your pee-hole), pain during sex, or a permanent curve to your dick.

As for whether you can die from a particularly pain-inducing hit to the groin, I’m not going to say it’s impossible, but it would require a very specific and extreme situation. For example, if your scrotum tore and you basically let yourself bleed out for a few hours without medical attention, then yeah, you could probably die. Is it likely? Absolutely not, and I’ve yet to find a reported death linked to it.

So, bottom line: if you get hit in the groin, don’t ignore the pain if it doesn’t go away. If you have reason to believe something is wrong, there’s no harm in getting a check-up. Also, don’t make friends with people likely to “soup can” you in the balls. Seriously.

—Melissa Fuller

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