Sex and Pancakes
The More The Merrier
My boyfriend and I experiment with other people often. Usually it goes well and it’s just a fun time. Recently, though, we had a threesome with a girl and now she is acting kind of sentimental about it. She has sent me long Facebook messages about very intimate things and I’m not sure how to respond. Should I give her the attention I think she deserves, even though I am not interested? – Careless Lover
I think it’s awesome that you and your boyfriend are experimenting and that your experience in doing so has been mostly positive. I get the impression that you’re both comfortable with it and, if this is a long-term relationship, that you must have a lot of trust in each other.
That being said, the first thing I wondered is if you’ve talked to your boyfriend about this? I can’t tell if she’s getting sentimental about you specifically, or you and your boyfriend—but you should talk to him about it, because this could get messy if it ends up looking like you’re hiding something from him.
Aside from that, I think it’s important to be honest with her. Do you feel that these intimate messages are appropriate given your context? It’s okay if you don’t, and it’s okay to tell her that.
I’m not sure what the ground rules (if any) were going into this threesome, but from what you’ve told me, I don’t feel you owe this girl anything but the truth. Avoiding it isn’t really fair to either of you. How you tell her that truth is up to you, but I think you can be kind while still being clear about your intentions.
On a different, but much-related note, I think it’s really important for any couple considering bringing others into their sex life to have a really open talk about what you’re hoping to get out of the experience and where (if anywhere) you draw the line.
It also never hurts to lay down some ground rules within your relationship and with the other person.
I know, I know—rules suck. They can be restrictive, annoying and unsexy, but they exist for a reason and especially when you find yourself in what I’m assuming is a committed relationship, shit can go wrong.
Talk about hypothetical situations with your partner—like what happens if one partner changes their mind? What if the third person approaches one of you afterwards? What is and isn’t okay when that person is involved?
As a group you should be clear about your intentions if you have strong feelings. Consent becomes more complicated when three or more people are involved, so the best you can really do is know what you want and express that clearly.
I’m not saying that this is where things went wrong for you because I don’t really know, but I do think it’s important to bring up since this is one way to avoid future issues. As for your current problem, just be honest with both her and your boyfriend and while she may be upset, it’s the right thing to do.
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