Transgender love is possible

Why transgender people should have high romantic standards

OpinionsÉdouard Vanasse — Published October 27, 2026 0 minutes

One—a man—told me it wasn’t gay to be with me because of the appearance of my body. Another was physically and emotionally violent. Many misgendered me repeatedly. One even wrote a long, poetic text detailing my body and explaining how it evoked feelings of motherhood, eventually sending it to a mutual friend.

That last experience made me decide to stop dating and to focus on myself for a while. With the help of a wonderful friend who also happens to be transgender, I realized that I have every right to be angry and reject people who treat me less than respectfully, and I did get very, very angry. 

I then understood the root of the issue, at least on my end, was the despair I was experiencing. I believed I could only attract people who didn't appreciate me wholly.

Sure, transphobia is real, and even the most emotionally healthy transgender person will have some experiences with chasers, fetishists and people using them to experiment with something new. However, I realized my attitude toward myself made me more vulnerable to these people. 

I’m not blaming myself, and I don’t see myself as a victim; instead, I’ve decided to recognize my own power.

I discussed this with multiple transgender friends in preparation for this piece. Many told me that transitioning led them to more fulfilling romantic relationships, since their gender dysphoria had lessened and they were more grounded within themselves. Others are still looking for their right match but believe their deeper self-knowledge will make them better partners.

An important point that was brought up during our talks was that although trans for trans (T4T) partnerships can lead to greater understanding, they aren't the be-all and end-all of romantic fulfillment. Transgender people can also carry unaddressed transphobia, which impacts how we see ourselves and our transgender partner(s). 

Most importantly, we aren't only transgender. We are much, much more, and our partner choice must reflect the whole of who we are. When I asked my friends what their relationship goals were, most of them talked about respect, harmony, fun and understanding. 

Notice that none of that is directly linked to transness.

Personally, I'm working on loving myself properly. I know now that all the love I was frantically seeking in other people can be found within. I’ve also noticed that since I've chosen to acknowledge my value, my friendships have deepened and multiplied. 

I don’t feel like I desperately need a romantic relationship anymore, although I do wish to meet my soulmate when the time is right. The dating pool indeed shrinks when we transition, and I’ve decided not to care. I only want one partner, and even if I wanted five or 10, it would still be a limited number. I don’t need to have billions of romantic prospects. 

To all transgender people, let’s get in touch with the fullness of our beings. We're so much more than our gender modality. Let’s have romantic standards that reflect our actual desires, not the constraints we think we should have. We are valuable, we're beautiful and we're loved.

This article originally appeared in Volume 47, Issue 4, published October 27, 2026.