Sex & Pancakes
No-Strings Fling
I am in a relationship and very happy, I should also mention I am a male. I also have a friend who is a female, and she is also in a happy relationship. We are very good friends and I would love to have no-strings-attached sex with her. Is it wrong for me to bring the topic up with her? We would both maintain our very happy relationships, but just have like a one-time hook-up. —Mission Impossible
So, you’re concerned about whether or not it’s wrong to ask your attached female friend to have no-strings-attached sex with you, but you’re not at all concerned about you and your friend both lying and cheating on your respective “happy” relationship partners?
Because regardless of whether it’s a one-time thing, and no matter how you want to frame it, that is what you’d be doing if your partners were unaware of this little hook-up.
Rather than bringing this up with your friend, you should be bringing it up with your partner, who you claim to be very happy with. Yeah, it might be weird, but how would your partner feel if they found out you had a one-time hook-up with this person behind their back? I’m guessing they wouldn’t feel so great, so how would this be fair to them?
If you truly care for your partner and want to continue a relationship with them, then they should be your first concern and I don’t suggest giving them a great reason to never trust you again.
On another note, has your friend given you any reason to believe this is something she might want? If not, I’d be extremely careful in approaching her on this because you’re making strong assumptions that she might not appreciate, and if she is a good friend of yours then she may not be after this.
Consider the fact that people, especially ones in relationships, tend to put their guard down a bit more around other people in relationships because they might feel safer thinking they won’t accidentally lead them on.
Just so we’re clear, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting sex from someone else when you’re in a relationship. It’s totally normal and healthy to be attracted to someone else, but acting upon it behind your partner’s back—a partner who has likely developed some high-level trust with you—is disrespectful.
If you want to act on this and you want to remain in this relationship, then I suggest starting a dialogue with your partner about outside sexual relations. Be prepared for this to take time, as it’s usually a process for at least one partner to become comfortable with the idea.
Also be prepared for it to simply never be an option with your current partner, because they may not be into it. Either way, it should be a decision that both of you are in on. If you can’t handle that then don’t be a jerk—either get over it and stay with your partner, or break up with them and have all the consensual sex you want with other people.
Submit your questions anonymously at sex-pancakes.tumblr.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook.
Need some extra help? You can always contact Concordia Counseling & Development at 514-848-2424 ext. 3545 for SGW and ext. 3555 for Loyola.
Got a quick health question? Call info-santé at 8-1-1 from any Montreal number.
