Tighten Up

I recently started sleeping with a guy who has a penis that’s slightly smaller than what I would consider average. Everything leading up to the sex is great, but when we actually have sex, I don’t feel all that much (though certain positions work better than others). I’m worried because the last few guys I slept with were quite well endowed. Is it possible that they stretched me out? If so, is there anything I can do to reverse that?
- Vagina Worry

First things first, the vagina is a muscle that naturally expands and contracts during arousal and rest. The best analogy I’ve heard for this describes the vagina as a sock. When resting (not aroused), the sock is stuffed into a smaller space and folded over itself, as the vagina has its walls touching and is only about three inches deep. This can make the vagina seem tighter.

The sock expands during the process of getting aroused, when the uterus and cervix lift to make the vagina longer and the vaginal walls lubricate and expand widthwise so they no longer touch. Foreplay and arousal before vaginal penetration are really important because they cause this expansion, facilitating penetration.

The most important thing to know is that occasional or regular sex won’t result in permanent stretching of the vagina because the vagina normally expands during arousal. How much it can expand varies from person to person and one of the factors that determine this is the size of your partner’s penis. This means your vagina would stretch more when having sex with a partner with a larger penis than one with a smaller penis, but after arousal it will still return to its initial resting size. The only thing that would prevent this from happening would be if you experienced an injury that resulted in tearing, in which case you would feel pain.

It’s also important to keep in mind that, like penises, vaginas don’t come in just one size. With you and your partner, it might be the case that your vagina is larger than his penis, which is causing you to not feel that much. This is because there’s less contact happening between his penis and your vaginal walls than there would be if your sizes were more closely matched.

Luckily, there are a few things you can focus on to help with that. Experiment with different positions, angles and speeds of penetration; pay close attention to what feels best for you and communicate that to him. You could also try engaging in less penetrative foreplay, like fingering or using toys, so that your vagina doesn’t expand more than necessary before he enters you.

Kegel exercises are also something to look into. They don’t make you “tighter”, as some claim, but they do strengthen the vagina by working out the pubococcygeus (PC) muscles. These exercises are great for long-term pelvic health—they help you understand your vagina a little better and can lead to a tighter grip and stronger contractions during orgasm, which feels great for both partners. There’s a ton I could say on the topic of kegels, but I’ll save that for another week!

You might also want to consider shifting the focus from penetration and instead experiment with seeing the entire body as a potential pleasure zone through touch and acts that we typically view as foreplay. You might be amazed at the kind of pleasure you can find when you’re forced to think creatively!

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