I’m a 24-year-old woman and my boyfriend won’t kiss me after I give him head. My mouth grosses him out after he finishes in it and I don’t know if it should bother me but it does. Is there anything I can do?
— Feeling Mouthy
Oral sex can be a pretty intimate act, at times even more so than intercourse, because it’s about taking the time to focus on your partner’s pleasure—and also, your mouth is on someone’s genitals.
‘Getting head is a pretty sweet gesture, so I can understand why it would be upsetting when one second your mouth is the hottest thing he’s ever seen—and the next you’re too dirty for a kiss.
Why won’t he kiss you? Has he actually said that your mouth grosses him out? There could be a lot of reasons why he’s grossed out, the most obvious being that he’s just simply grossed out by his own cum.
Slightly less obvious is the strong societal norm and pressure that men who have sex with women simply aren’t supposed to like or want to be near cum—even their own.
While there’s a hidden homophobic undercurrent there, our sexuality is largely shaped by our societies and norms, and while it’s important to recognize them, it’s not always fair to blame people for them.
According to the guys I asked, it’s pretty common for dudes to be grossed out by their own cum. While they recognize that it’s a double standard and they would (no-tongue) kiss their girls after oral, they completely understand why a guy might not want to.
It can also depend on what you mean by “after he finishes in it.” Everyone has different comfort levels, so consider this—are you swallowing, spitting, or holding it in your mouth and expecting a tongue-heavy cum-swapping makeout session?
Either way, the important part isn’t that your partner doesn’t want to kiss you after oral, it’s the feelings that arise from him not wanting to.
If not getting kissed after head is something that matters to you even the teensiest bit, then the first step is to actually talk to him about how you feel.
If you care about and respect each other you should be able to have a real conversation about this and find a solution together. Maybe he won’t kiss you, but will make an effort to show he appreciates the gesture in other ways.
Remember, though, that he does have a right to not kiss you afterward—and to not want to. How he exercises that right, and how you feel about it does matter, though, and, as always you have the right to not give him head or not let him cum in your mouth if you don’t feel good about it.
People often, and easily, forget that performing oral isn’t only about your partner’s pleasure. With a good partner, oral sex should be enjoyable for both of you.
I don’t expect everyone to love doing it, but your attitudes about oral sex really play into your feelings about it. So it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that my advice is to open the lines of communication and understanding between you and your partner.
Send questions to email@example.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook.
By commenting on this page you agree to the terms of our Comments Policy.