Bypassing the Climaxing
Whenever I have sex with my girlfriend, things are great. We get hot and heavy, but she never really seems to orgasm. She claims it has happened a few times, but definitely not lately. I pretend it doesn’t bother me, but it’s shaken my confidence. I’ve tried everything I could think of—asking female friends for advice, rubbing her clitoris more, more foreplay, different positions, different speeds and styles of penetration, but nothing really seems to be working. I feel crappy about it and it’s really unfair to her. Any suggestions? – Unhappy Endings
First of all, this is in no way a measure of your abilities as a lover or partner. In fact, it really sucks to hear this framed as being unfair to your girlfriend, when it sounds like you’re being a considerate partner who’s placing the emphasis on her pleasure.
I came to two conclusions when reading your question. Either your girlfriend has never had an orgasm before—in general or specifically during penetration—or she isn’t as committed to having one as you are.
While the possibility that your girlfriend has never had an orgasm may sound silly, it’s not as rare as some people think. Many women have either never had one before or are unsure if they have—and as far as I’m concerned, actually having had an orgasm leaves little doubt. If she’s not the type to explore her body on her own it’s possible that she has orgasmed, or has had some without knowing how to make it happen regularly.
There’s an expectation that sexually experienced women have had an orgasm and know how to make it happen, so if this is the case, she may not readily express it. Porn plays a part in this by portraying women’s pleasure as a given and easy to achieve, a perception that can put a lot of pressure on both partners.
It can leave women feeling like there’s something wrong with their sexual response, leading to discomfort talking about it or even faking orgasms. It can also make these women’s partners feel inadequate and guilty.
Nowadays we talk a bit more about how most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone, but we still don’t talk about how adding clitoral stimulation to penetration doesn’t necessarily guarantee an orgasm.
If she’s never had one before, it’s unlikely that she’ll have her first one from penetration—or know what she’s looking for—and it’s not a reflection of either of your abilities. Some women will never have an orgasm from penetration, plain and simple, and some don’t really care to.
It’s awesome that you’re so committed to helping your girlfriend orgasm, but an important question to ask is whether or not she actually wants to have an orgasm during penetration. If not, then you likely won’t have any success, no matter how much you learn or try to change.
While sex generally ends with male orgasm, the same is often not the case for women. Many women are unable to orgasm from or during penetration, preferring instead to orgasm before or afterwards through other sex acts like manual or oral stimulation, and enjoy penetration without the expectation of an orgasm.
This may or may not be the case with your girlfriend, but the bottom line is that it’s important for you and your partner to be communicating openly about what you enjoy during sex.
You should also keep in mind that many people are not comfortable having orgasms in front of others. Orgasming involves some loss of control and some people get preoccupied with how they look or act during it, and then can’t have them.
In terms of moving forward, there are two things I’d suggest trying if your girlfriend has in fact had orgasms before. The first is to ask her to masturbate in front of you. Provided she’s comfortable doing this, the best way to learn how to bring one’s partner to orgasm is to see how they do it.
The second is to ask her to direct you when you’re stimulating her. Assure her that you will not be offended and that this is about you wanting to please her. A good way to take some pressure off her is by suggesting clear directions so she knows what to say: faster, slower, higher, lower, more pressure, less pressure.
These suggestions won’t necessarily help if she’s never had an orgasm before. If this is the case, and she actually wants to have one, I always recommend learning and getting comfortable with having solo orgasms from masturbation before attempting to have them with a partner.
Learning what gets you off is an exploratory process, so it can take some time; it’s best to be in a situation without the pressure or need for performance that a partner’s presence can bring. Once she has solo orgasms figured out, it will be a lot easier for her to share them with you and to figure out how to have them in different ways.
The main thing I hope you take away is that this is a team effort, so you both need to be communicating your needs and working together for mutual satisfaction. I think your girlfriend’s perspective on the situation would clear a lot up, so you could use this response as a way to start a dialogue with her on the subject and see where that takes you.
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