I’m writing this letter to support candidate X. I volunteered with X at a soup kitchen/ frat party/Corey Haim memorial drug clinic/leper colony, and I just couldn’t have been more impressed by his/her poise under circumstances more difficult than anything found on the set of Lost Boys 2.
I would like to stress that this letter is COMPLETELY OBJECTIVE, even though X donated a kidney to my brother and we may be filming a buddy-cop children’s comedy together (think Bon Cop, Bad Cop meets Full House). X is hardworking/reliable, compassionate/hardworking/8-feet-tall with arms like tree trunks/once drank enough scotch to kill a small horse/hardworking/signed the Declaration of Independence retroactively.
Now, you might be thinking, “This letter is so one-sided, it could have been written by candidate X himself!” But that’s beside the point. If one of Gandhi’s friends told you about his exploits, would you say that his account was “biased?” Thankfully, candidate X would have tased Gandhi with a cattle-prod for his weak-kneed lack of dedication to the plight of his people.
So remember, vote for candidate X—not because I served in the army with him/am his brother/he knows where the hooker I killed is buried/I’m into him for thousands of dollars (thanks a lot, March Madness), but because this letter is so vapidly one-sided, I might as well be.
—Diego Pelaez Gaetz,