Excerpts from The 2015 Guide To Telling Me What To Do

A Preview of the Much Anticipated 2015 Edition of America’s Favorite Social Manipulation Text

Special IssuePhilip Thomas Rudich — Published March 31, 2015

Let’s say you’d like to tell me what to do…

IN MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT:
It was my job as an overworked low-level data entry paean at a massive tech firm that inspired me to pen my first Guide. I figured if these people are going to boss me around anyway, I might as well help them out and make it easy on myself to boot! That was way back in 2009, and wow, what a success it was. Finally, people treated me in a way that did not frighten or baffle me. It’s all about managing your expectations and knowing that you have the power to keep them low!

When a supervisor asked me work late because of a costly mistake he’d made, he knew just how to phrase the “request” so that I could neither deny him nor complain. “Phil, I gotta head out but I would really appreciate if you could pick up the slack on this project. I can’t give you overtime, but it’d be like a personal favor. You’re my dude!” I’m a natural team player, and I’ll jump at any chance to step up and display my “proactive” disposition.

Always needle at my innate sense of loyalty if you’re trying to push me around.

WHEN GOING OUT FOR DRINKS, TO CLUBS, AND SO ON
“Fear of missing out” is a term often bandied about by modern intellectuals, but it has been a crucial aspect of my lifestyle for nearly thirty years. You can get me to any place, for any purpose, and at any time by exploiting this delicate, yet effective tactic. Consider it the “Get-In-Philip’s-Head Screwdriver” of your trusty “Telling Me What to Do” tool belt! But just like using a real “Philip’s Head Screwdriver,” you don’t want to lay it on too thick and strip the screws. You’ll need a perfectly balanced combination of peer pressure, white lies, and condescending language to get me out the door, but after I take that first step, I’ll be by your side at any bar, movie theatre or uncomfortable drug-fueled house party for as long as you’ve promised me a wonderful, unique experience.

AT HOME:
Like so many adult men, as soon as I arrive home from my place of employment in the evening I want to kick off my shoes, ditch the pants and switch on some sports.

Of course, that doesn’t always match up with the intentions of a romantic partner, a roommate or an intruding unfamiliar visitor, but the key to telling me what to do in my own home is: guilt. It’s that easy!

Did you complete a task that you would’ve liked some assistance with, though you never asked? No matter. Just tell me, “I wish you had helped with [the activity/project],” perhaps while wringing your tired, reddened hands. I’ll be apologizing for days on end and diligently offer to take care of all household chores and projects.

Critics and fans alike have likened this method, more so than any other, to “emotional abuse,” which I totally get, but I have to ask: who are you really trying to boss around, me or yourself?

DURING DAILY CASUAL INTERACTIONS:
Calling my intelligence into question has proven itself, time and again, to be the most successful way to tell me what to do in everyday conversation. Doubt me, shut me down, and make me second-guess everything. I admit – I don’t know much! But with a little twisting and an overbearing personality, you can have me unsure of my own name. Per example:

Me: “I could go for a sandwich right now.”

Co-worker: “Don’t get a sandwich, you always eat sandwiches, I always look at you at your desk, hunched over a sandwich watching YouTube.”

Me: “I don’t know about that, I just like them some of the time.”

Co-worker: “Sandwiches are old, man.”

Me: “Old?”

Co-worker: “Here’s what I’ll do for you, I’m calling Baby Dragon, it’s the best new Thai spot on the scene, they make it fiery hot.”

Me: “Spicy food makes me sick.”

Co-worker: “Way expensive but it’s worth it.”

Me: “I’m just so hungry.”

I ate that $21 ginger cashew basil peanut noodle soup lunch special, and I did get sick.

REGARDING MATTERS OF INVESTING, BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES, AND MY FUTURE

Investments? Bonds? IRA, 403b, 401k – this is not my forte! I’m a bit embarrassed to admit; I don’t understand the intricacies of money handling. When I hear people say, “My money works for me,” I want to ask them if they can get mine a job, too! I’m clueless, and that’s your way in.

I’ve had no fewer than five business management firms claim power of attorney over my financial affairs. These highly skilled cash Casanovas utilize nearly all of my Guide’s techniques.

With an added sprinkle of shame, they convince me that every day my money isn’t accruing interest in such-and-such a fund or tri-laterally divested across so many high-powered wealth mongers is another day I am practically letting my future be murdered before my very eyes. I’ve never been one to argue with a person in a suit who is yelling at me.

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Goodbye for now! And thank you for your interest in The 2015 Guide To Telling Me What To Do (MSRP $24.99; currently on sale at my website for whatever price you see fit). I look forward to mailing you a copy of my book.