Beyond check-in friendships

Choosing real, messy and imperfect connections over performative ones

OpinionsAlice Ross — Published September 30, 2025 2 minutes

If you know me, chances are I’ve ghosted you before or suggested plans and then failed to follow through. I struggle to maintain meaningful connections with people who expect instant replies and constant availability. Between the chaos of the world, the whirlwind of starting university, and simply surviving my 20s, I’ve learned to value the friendships with the fewest expectations. 

Time feels like it’s always running out, and keeping up with everyone online is increasingly exhausting. But over time, I’ve realized that friendship today is often performative. Texts and social media check-ins aren’t enough; meaningful connections take effort, patience and presence. I might not answer right away, and I might not always be available—but too often, we measure friendship in all the wrong ways.

I’ve received countless well-meaning, guilt-ridden “just checking in” and “I miss you so much” texts, but few people have sat with me at my lowest, without expecting me to look good or act happy. The friends who do go out of their way prove that real connection is earned, not assumed.

Once, while I was away, I asked a friend in Montreal to wake up before 8 a.m. to hand my spare keys to someone because I’d forgotten to plan ahead of my departure. She did it—and the next day, she sent me a post on social media perfectly describing the situation: “Inconvenience is the price of community.” This small act is exactly what I mean when I say meaningful friendships require effort—they’re about showing up in real, sometimes inconvenient ways. 

With technology becoming more intrusive and companies getting greedier, relying on people has never felt more important. But building a “village” requires effort. It requires patience and the courage to let go of the fear of being awkward, cringe or too much. Real life isn’t as neat as an Instagram grid; people are messy and multidimensional. Social interactions can be uncomfortable, and people can be annoying—but that’s part of the deal. If you want meaningful friendships, you have to give something in return. 

I don’t care if we haven’t talked in years or if responses are spread out over months. If you need me, I’ll show up. Because friendship isn’t about appearances or constant messaging; it’s about presence. In a world full of performative check-ins, showing up authentically is the statement I choose to make.

This article originally appeared in Volume 46, Issue 3, published September 30, 2025.