‘Body’ | Special Issue – The Link

‘Body’

Photo Caroline Marsh

    When I was twelve years old,

    it felt like looking at myself in the mirror

    for the first time

     

    I didn’t know how to explain

    that nauseating feeling

    until I was around eighteen

     

    At first, I thought it was

    my weight, or how a number

    looked like on my body

     

    Then, I thought it was

    my face, and the features

    white people call ugly

     

    And while

    those were all there,

    in some ways

     

    I realized, at eighteen,

    that all this time

    I had been pretending

     

    To be skinny,

    To be pretty,

    To be a girl,

     

    I had been pretending,

    through the cracks of my teeth,

    through the gaps in my blinds

     

    I realized that I was jealous

    of most girls

    for being better than me at pretending

     

    But they weren’t pretending

    to be pretty girls,

    and they didn’t get it

     

    They didn’t get that nauseating feeling

    when you look in the mirror

    and you know that what you are looking at

     

    Doesn’t reflect who you really are.

    This article originally appeared in The Body Issue, published February 1, 2022.