I’ll Show YOU a Drop

Graphic Flora Hammond

I’m just going to go ahead and say what so many of us are thinking.

House music sucks.

Wait, wait, let me explain. I’m not talking about all house music, and I’m certainly not talking about all electronic music. If there’s a particular sub-subgenre that’s dear to your heart, I’m probably not criticizing it either—because I probably don’t even know what it is. Hardstyle, goosestep, spazzcore, itchwave—all you pedants out there can keep dissecting those protozoa on your blogs. I’ve got bigger, blander fish to fry.

You know the sound I’m talking about. Boring beats you could easily reproduce if you took a stethoscope along on your next run; synths best likened to subzero flatulence and that goddamn chromatic buildup that, not so long ago, would have meant something was very wrong with your washing machine—all of which culminates a hallowed drop.

From a Pit Bull song to your friend’s latest SoundCloud track, it’s the only musical trope that delivers the exact opposite of what it promises.

I don’t like it, and neither do you. Seriously, I’m pretty sure our demographic’s collective hard-on for obnoxious buzzing and thumping is the latest case of the emperor wearing no clothes. Everybody wants to look good in their tank tops and plastic sunglasses, and nobody wants to admit, as they aimlessly hop up and down, that dammit, they’d just rather be at home listening to The Carpenters.

And then there’s the live factor. Hey, would-be Skrillex: that drop you spent hours perfecting by listening to car crashes won’t make up for your lack of stage presence. If the most you’re gonna do is wave your hand while you stand behind your array of laptops, you might as well just put a photocopier on stage and let it run. At least then your show, and your sound, would actually amount to something interesting.

—Graeme Shorten Adams,
Graphics Editor