Passing Gas

Graphic Shoshana Eidelman

Just imagine—you’ve been working for hours on a paper in the library, you’re exhausted, your eyes are bleeding from caffeine intoxication, and the deadline is drawing ever closer.

Then, all of a sudden, your train of thought is disturbed by a sneaky, near-lethal gastric emanation: your neighbour has farted.

Just because libraries are usually seen as boring does not give you permission to casually cut the cheese like that.

Books have feelings too, you know, and while trees do absorb carbon dioxide very well, their smaller, more rectangular book-cousins are incapable of absorbing methane emissions.

For the safety of the students, I believe the librarians should, like hostesses and stewards on airplanes, be required to make security announcements.

“In case of an intestinal depressurization, washrooms are located on the east and west sides of each floor of the building. Please take the time now to locate the washroom closest to your seat.”

Or maybe just create a new section. After the blue and orange zones, why not create a red one, where all the students who don’t know how to control the sphincter muscles in their bodies could gather and share winds?

Whatever means the admin takes to address the situation, it simply can’t go on unchecked. Having to wear a full hazmat suit every time I go to the library does get me a lot of strange looks, and I must admit, it’s very unpractical to wear when reading books. You try turning pages with those giant rubbery fingers.

—Pierre Chauvin
Community Editor