No Snooze is Good Snooze

  • Graphic Caity Hall

I would’ve started this article way earlier if not for the snooze button on my alarm clock.

It kills me to think of everything I would’ve accomplished by now if I hadn’t slept in all those mornings.

The possibilities are endless: I could’ve written an epic novel, received a star beside Marvin Gaye’s in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, started a polyamorous relationship with the Victoria’s Secret Angels, gotten six-pack abs—who knows?

Few people nowadays know the history of the snooze button, or about its awesome power. It’s not commonly known, for example, that Ancient Rome fell to the Vandals after the Praetorian Guard added a snooze feature to their sundials.

It wasn’t until 1939 that English archaeologist Blunderbuss Cucumbersnatch rediscovered the snooze button. The next year, MI5 sent him on a top-secret mission to Berlin with precise instructions to open a chain of watch stores and sabotage the Nazi war machine.

The plan worked.

The Luftwaffe prolonged their 15-minute catnaps and could no longer coordinate their blitzes; Operation Barbarossa was launched a month behind schedule; and Hitler stopped waking up in time to order from the “early bird” menu at his favourite diner—something historians say moved him to depression.

Finally, hunkered down in his hideout in April 1945, Hitler received a telegram from Winston Churchill: “You snooze, you lose, bro.”

—Geoffrey Vendeville, Coordinating Editor

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