May the Faucets Be With You

Graphic Joshua Barkman

When our university went bottled water-free, I was all-in.

I joined the Rebel Alliance (bought a water bottle), sacrificed everything for the cause (bought a replacement bottle when I lost the first) and occasionally ran around the Hall Building duelling unsuspecting members of the Empire (tackled confused strangers).

But these new water fountains are not making my life any easier.

The fancy water bottle fill-up stations are supposed to be our lifeblood. But it appears you need the strength of ten Jedi just to operate the damn things. The mere task of refuelling has been a grueling battle of thumb vs. button. And the thumb is losing.

I’m sorry to admit, dear Padawan, that I am not up to the task. I find myself growing weak, often succumbing before my bottle is even half-full.

I tried to hold out, but I fear the tide in my soul is turning. I can hear the voices of normal water fountains calling to me in a demented cackle:

“You want this, don’t you? The thirst is swelling in you now. Take your water bottle. Use it. Give in to the water.”

So I leave you this note, as I leave this place in search of a nearby planet reportedly sympathetic to our cause. There, you can let the water flow through you. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. They call it McGill.

—Julia Wolfe,
Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance (Editor-in-Chief)