You’ve Said a Mouthful

What is the most sensitive, polite way to convince a woman that (mutual) fellatio is a really great thing? She just seems dead against it but I know it would give our sex life together another sort of dimension…
—Mouthing Off

From what I understand, you would like to engage in mutual oral sex* with your partner but she doesn’t want to.

There isn’t really a sensitive or polite way to convince someone to do something they don’t want to do.

Why would you even want to convince her to do something she’s not into? That’s rule #1 of what not to do with a sexual partner.

Consent does not involve wearing a partner down until they finally say yes to doing something you want. Consent must be freely given; it should be enthusiastic, not reluctant.

However, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are just trying to figure out what to do because you and your partner have different sexual interests.

A good approach would be to talk together about your sexual interests in general, with each of you sharing what they are, why you want these things and which things are off the table.

As with all couples, your sexual interests will likely form a Venn diagram of sorts. You each have your circles of interests and then you overlap in some areas.

You shouldn’t be aiming to bring your partner into your circle but rather aiming to discover and focus on the areas where you overlap while mutually respecting the parts that don’t.

In starting a conversation about this, let her go first and listen to what she tells you, evaluating what things you’re into and what things you aren’t.

If it’s uncomfortable or difficult for either of you to do this on the spot there’s a great online tool to facilitate this called Mojo Upgrade (mojoupgrade.com).

It allows each person to respond privately to multiple choice questions about their desires with “no”, “if my partner is interested”, “we already do this”, or “yes!!”

Upon completion, it only shares where your interests overlap without revealing points you might be embarrassed about if either of you isn’t interested.

If something that matters to you doesn’t come up when you have this conversation, like oral sex, you can start a conversation specifically about that.

In this case it seems like you already have at some point. You can try asking her if she’d like to share what about it doesn’t interest her and if there’s a reason so you can better understand it from her perspective.

Don’t do this to try to find out how to convince her, but rather to better understand her. Then when it’s your turn you can express why you do want to do it and what you feel it would add to your sex life together.

Remember that this isn’t about either of you defending your reasons or choices, or using them as a tool to convince.

Also talking about the things you already do together and enjoy can help make these conversations easier and more fun since it gives you each opportunities to compliment each other and say positive things about your current sex life.

Once you’ve heard each other out you can determine where you both stand. If she still doesn’t want to do it, then I strongly suggest you let it go.

In the end, even if you think it would be great, it probably won’t be for her if she doesn’t want to do it and she may feel just as strongly against it as you do in favour of it.

It’s also okay to have some incompatible sexual interests in a relationship. What’s important, however, is for each partner to feel heard on how they feel about the differences and not pressured to do anything they’re uncomfortable with.

*Just to clarify some terms: fellatio refers to oral sex on a penis and cunnilingus refers to oral sex on a vagina. We can also just say oral sex to apply to any mouth to genital action!

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The Download - November 27 »

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