Apartment Building Tensions
My boyfriend and I are in a committed long-distance relationship. Recently, I moved in with a male friend and I’ve gradually discovered that I have deep feelings for him. At first I wasn’t too concerned, because we’re both involved with people we’re serious about, but a combination of feeling safe around him and total sex deprivation has led to some awkward thoughts. I really love my man, but I’m miserable trying to ignore these feelings. Can I make this easier on myself or is it a hopeless case? —Rent-Up Desire
There are some ways to make this a little easier on you, but before that can happen, you need to figure out what your ideal solution actually looks like.
Whether or not these “deep feelings” are deep emotional feelings, deep sexual feelings or a bit of both is pretty key—is this someone you want to date, regularly sleep with or just fool around with once or twice?
You also say your roommate is in a serious relationship, so I’m wondering if he’s been giving you reason to believe he wants something to happen with you. If your roommate wants something to happen, then things will probably get pretty messy however you play it.
If this is the case, don’t cheat. Cheating is a really shitty and disrespectful thing to do to someone, and if you feel like it may come to that, I suggest either talking to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling and potentially breaking up, or finding yourself another living situation.
At the same time, don’t ignore your thoughts. Use your fantasies, masturbate to them (if you aren’t already), and enjoy the awesome orgasms they’ll give you.
Fantasizing is not cheating, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with exploring the things you’re fantasizing about doing without actually doing them to relieve some tension. Sometimes people even realize they don’t actually want to do the things they fantasize about once they get it a little out of their system.
In another direction, I don’t know how long you’ve been doing the long-distance thing, but sometimes when couples are apart for some time but know they still want to be together, they temporarily open up their relationship.
If the lack of sexual intimacy is becoming a recurring issue and an open model is of interest to you and your boyfriend, then it might be something to start looking into and seriously discussing.
Being open can mean a lot of things, and the boundaries are really up to the couple to decide based on their own comfort levels.
It can be really complicated to switch from a monogamous long-term relationship to an open one, and both partners need to want it and be committed to the process. It’s definitely not for everyone.
That may or may not be for you, but even with an open relationship, you still live with this guy! What is the likelihood that your boyfriend will be cool with you fucking the guy you live with? Or that things won’t get awkward once you’re done messing around? You might lose him not only as a roommate, but as a friend too.
If you’re having trouble ignoring your feelings, then maybe you shouldn’t be ignoring them. They may be there because you need a change, however big or small. My advice is to figure out what you really want from your relationship, and whether this living situation is best for you.
For help working through your sex-related fears, you can always contact Concordia Counselling & Development. The Sir George Williams campus office is reachable at 514-848-2424 ext. 3545, and the one at Loyola is ext. 3555
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