Discovering New Forms of Pleasure
I’m a male Concordia student, and since I was 17, I’ve been experimenting with anal toys. I usually use them when masturbating, but have recently included them in my relationship with my girlfriend. We got a strap-on and she fucks me, which is even better. So my conundrum is, I want real anal sex. I like it, but I’m not into men and can’t get a hard-on around them. Even when I had a four-way, I ended up sitting out ’til the other couple was gone, only then was I able to get it up. What would your advice be?
—Hard to Tell
Well, I guess the first question would be this: what constitutes “real” anal sex to you? What is it that you’re looking for that you’re not currently getting?
In my experience, people’s definitions of sex acts vary wildly on a personal basis, with their definitions often influenced by what genitals they happen to have, what their sexual orientation is and so on. My impression is that real anal sex to you involves being penetrated by a real penis rather than a strap-on, with the problem being that you’re not actually into men.
So when you imagine having real anal sex, what exactly does it consist of and who is fucking you? If it’s a man, are there things about this man or situation specifically that turn you on?
I’m not sure how you see your own sexual orientation, but it could also be a psychological barrier, as there are a lot of taboos surrounding men who don’t identify as gay being penetrated by other men, and sometimes we don’t realize the ways we’re affected by these ideas until they become a problem.
Maybe a certain type of man would turn you on? Or maybe you’re subconsciously not letting yourself be turned on by men?
If that’s not the case, is it possible that this is a fantasy-only turn-on? Sometimes our fantasies turn out to be things we don’t actually want in reality, despite how hot they are in our heads—which can be confusing when we try them out.
It seems like being able to get hard is a big concern for you, so I’m making the assumption that you typically use anal play as a complement to stroking your dick. Some men prefer to not stimulate their penis when receiving anal pleasure, and can orgasm simply from anal stimulation.
This may not be the case for you, but it’s something to consider if you do want to be penetrated by a man and are turned on but just don’t get hard.
On the other hand, maybe the issue isn’t about needing a real dick, but about feeling mutual pleasure with your partner. Many people say they don’t enjoy sex acts that are focused more on their own pleasure (like oral sex) because they’re more turned on when they know their partner is getting off too.
This can be complicated in your situation because your girlfriend doesn’t have the equipment for what you need—and while men do, they don’t turn you on. A strap-on with a built-in vibrator might help in that area, or you could try taking turns pleasuring each other to keep things
reciprocal. It’s also good to remember that your girlfriend is likely getting real pleasure from getting you off, too.
I recognize that this was mostly me asking questions, but sometimes a problem is so specific to someone’s own personal experiences that the best thing to do is ask questions in hopes of triggering a solution. Explore your thoughts on all of this more, and feel free to write in again if you still find yourself confused!
Submit your questions anonymously at sex-pancakes.tumblr.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook. Need some extra help? You can always contact Concordia Counseling & Development at 514-848-2424 ext. 3545 for SGW and ext. 3555 for Loyola. Got a quick health question? Call info-santé at 8-1-1 from any Montreal number.
