Upon the discovery of an asteroid that will hit the planet and destroy all living life, an economic boom soars

Graphic Joey Bruce

2021 is here, and there have already been some really big headlines!

But if you’re like the many of us here at the studio who avoids the news because it makes you cry, I have a big announcement for you. An asteroid twice the size of the moon is crashing into the planet next week. 

Despite this detrimental discovery, society seems to be remaining calm. Politicians’ emergency orders to save mankind have created a sudden and unexpected up in the job market, causing the economy to thrive.

“It’s a perfect time to be in business,” said rich businessman and CEO Rich Mann on his way back from golfing with several congressmen. His company Daintree, a multi-billion dollar online superstore, recently released their worldwide disaster program: the Armageddon Apocalypse Plan (AAP), which has become very popular among governments around the world. “No one wants to die from this apocalypse, so absolutely everyone is compliant. We at Daintree have made the perfect system.” 

“AAP works in a way where every single human being has a job opportunity! We have several dig teams who dig holes in the ground for the construction squad. They then hack the ground to create the same society we would have above ground. These spaces are designed by Daintree’s best Darchietects,” Mann explained.  

Workers earn DigDaintree Points, where you can win rewards for having certain amounts of points. Having 10,000 DigDaintree Points lets you unlock a house. There are also other ways to get points; the amount of money you have to file in taxes actually translates to the number of DigTaintree Points. 

These point programmes, now sponsored by both Daintree and the United States military, have enticed hundreds of millions of people to begin to—quoting Daintree’s AAP slogan—“Get on for Armageddon.”

“No one wants to die from this apocalypse, so absolutely everyone is compliant. We at Daintree have made the perfect system” — Rich Mann

Other aspects of the economy also exploded since the announcement of the incoming doomsday. Hollywood and other cultural hubs have rushed to film and release movies, commercials, and TV shows. Businesses around the world hurry to build and advertise new products to purchase pre-doomsday.   

Travel rates have soared, with hundreds of thousands of people purchasing plane tickets before it’s too late. Some go to cross off their bucket list trip to Bora Bora; others rush to reunite with loved ones on our last minutes above ground.

Moguls like Barbara Smith have made hundreds of thousands of dollars since the announcement of the end of the world. Smith, a popular TV cook who was imprisoned for laundering money, released “The Housewives’ Survival Kit”: an essential toolbox full of kitchenware for life underground. 

Others market on the potential that we will not be prepared for the asteroid’s quick arrival. Several famous TikTokers have started doomsday cults, with some livestreaming as many teenage cult members renegade into a Hawaiian volcano.  

Just six hours after the astrological announcement, the popular doll company Jeannette announced the release of Apocalypse Aimee—a new, apocalyptic version of the popular Jolly Jeanette doll. Apocalypse Aimee comes with several accessories, including a water bottle, a backpack, and a Daintree gas mask.  

When asked about what would happen to the rest of the world—especially the developing countries where most of Daintree's products are made—Mann declined to comment. 

Only time will tell whether we’ll be sharing the same fate as moles or as dinosaurs, so I wish you luck dear reader! Even though douches are sold out, all of the fruits and vegetables are just fine.