Ban All Barbers!

Graphic Madeleine Gendreau

I hate the man bun. This atrocity of the 21st century should be banned and its wearers forced to cut it off in a grand ceremony on Parliament Hill.

In fact, people sporting hillbilly beards should also be forced to join the hair burning, and have their faces shaved, then scorched with a clothing iron for even entertaining the notion that overgrown facial hair should be trendy.

And what’s up with undercuts? Men pay overpriced barbers to get a haircut that makes them look like jarheads. Basically, shave your temples and the back of your head with a clipper and you’ll get the costly monstrosity. Better yet, replace the clipper with a hot poker and you’ll get it permanently.

Those trendy barbers and their throwback razor blades should be brought to the pillory of bad taste, their shops burned to the ground. Fuck fashion if it’s going to leave nothing but lint in your pockets and skin where your hair used to be.

These guys are the sworn enemy of hair, each night whetting their blades dreaming of cutting your god-given right to let it grow like a Chia Pet. They hate your follicles and will demand to shave to the skin like maniacal manscapers.

Let your hair grow, guys, and let it down, or learn to cut it on your own. Only go to the little hair dictators when it is absolutely necessary. Be sure to watch their shifty moves as they inch away at your temples like keratin-hungry termites.

And stay away from bleach—it makes you look like dead rotten seaweed washed away on a fake Montreal beach.