I Don’t Know What I am Doing at the Gym: Leg Edition

The Perfect Leg Workout for Someone Who is Scared of Gyms

SportsSatireOlivia Integlia — Published October 16, 2022 3 minutes

But I don’t think laziness is fully to blame. Largely, I don’t want to go to the gym because I simply never know what the hell is going on. I feel like a lost gazelle walking through a savannah full of lions who are just waiting for me to snap both of my legs. At some point, I always laugh at my total cluelessness.

One day, however, I decided to take a leap and finally go. I was determined to face my fear of the gym machines, and gym bros, and just go in with an open mind.

I begin with a 30-minute cardio session. I walk into the cardio section of the gym and wander through the various machines they have. Treadmill, step master, row machine, elliptical—"which of these will I look the least ridiculous on,” I think to myself.  

I land on a funny looking contraption with four different moving parts working out each limb, more commonly referred to as the elliptical. I start off by slowly pushing my arms back and forth on the metal bars, which cause the ledges thatmy feet are standing on to start moving in sequence.

I feel like I am gracefully running on air. In reality, I look like I am dramatically taking leaps to avoid stepping in puddles on a rainy day. After about 15 minutes, I am sweating and gasping for air. “Maybe if I would go to the gym more often, I wouldn’t be this out of shape,” I think.

After an unbearable period of somewhat intense physical activity, I decide to focus onweight training. It is a leg day, afterall.

I make my way to the weights section. The weights range from 5 to 25 pounds. I find a small space amongst all the body builders lifting boulders, and carrying my tiny five-pound weight, I am ready to break a sweat.

While the man standing next to me is grunting and groaning, I start squatting with my weights. Now, before you start chastising me for doing squats, only the most basic legs and glutes exercise a person can do, let me defend myself. I only chose to do squats because they are the only exercise I know how to do perfectly—you just pretend to sit down on an invisible chair, easy.

Next up, I approach the leg press with caution. In full disclosure, I had never done the leg press before now, so I think being scared is fair. Before I start, I stretch to get my muscles warmed up and prevent injury.

Next up, I approach the leg press with caution. In full disclosure, I had never done the leg press before now, so I think being scared is fair. Before I start, I stretch to get my muscles warmed up and prevent injury.

I adjust the settings to push 40 pounds, the lightest setting possible. I sit on the chair, grab onto the handles and place my legs on the press. I begin to push back and forth. I do 10 repetitions in two sets.

I move on to the glute kickbacks machine. I place my elbows on the cushions, wrap my hands around the bars and place one leg on the back bar. I begin pushing. Very soon, I start to look like a donkey kicking its leg to a person standing too close.

I end my workout with the leg extension machine. This machine looks like a readapted dentist’s chair that straps patients down to prevent them from escaping.

I sit down, grab the handles and lean back as my legs, placed underneath the cylindrical metal bar, push upwards.

And that’s it. A somewhat complete leg workout. The entire routine took approximately an hour. I pick up my gym rag, wiping the sweat off my forehead and make room for the gym bros to continue building their muscle muscles.