Whore-roscopes
The stars want you to have some sexy fun this week!
This is meant to be satire. Please engage in all sexual acts consensually.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You’ve been stuck in what Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw calls “Secret Single Behaviour” for far too long, Aries. Sitting in bed in your sweats and eating pickles out of the jar with a handful of chocolate chips while watching Gilmore Girls reruns was fun for a while, but it’s time to give your routine a makeover. You missed your chance for a summer fling, but you’re just in time to find someone to keep you warm and cozy for the winter—that one-night stand might become the situationship you need just in time for cuffing season.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Fight bossy with bossy and hire a dominatrix, Taurus! You need someone to show you who’s boss when that’s all you do to other people. Close your eyes, relax and embrace submission. Trust the stars, honey. We know exactly what you need.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Gemini! Where have you been? You’ve been out of the dating scene for so long that Hinge has forgotten you exist. How tragic! The stars are begging you to go on as many first dates as you can this week. The first stage of the game is tryouts, Gemini. I fear the cozy season will cum and go without you if you’re late to tryouts!
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
The stars have big plans for you this week, Cancer! And when we say big, we mean it. You need to get over yourself and get under somebody else. This requires more than a toy, a new position or a kink to try out… you need a sex room. You heard us—a whole room, dedicated to sex, pleasure and kink. Oh my! Turn on the red mood lights and set the mood with your ambiguously-titled sex playlist.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Butt plug. Flared base. Speaks for itself.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The stars love a steamy makeout sesh, Virgo, so how about bringing some of that heat into the shower? Picture it: hot water, wandering hands, soapy bodies pressed against each other… ugh! We’re heating up just thinking about it!
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
A brand new vibrator is calling your name this week after too many acoustic guitar solos, Libra. The selection is grand—from clit suction to dozens of vibration patterns (which, let’s be honest, nobody really wants) to all sizes and intensities, you’re sure to find something to spice up your sex life!
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
The stars see good ol’ faithful missionary in your future, Scorpio. You need to combat a chaotic work life with something consistent and predictable, and missionary is just that. Go in with an open mind, and most importantly, open legs.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Car sex is the perfect way for you to spice up your sex life, Sagittarius! It’s super fun and not at all awkward, especially if you or your partner are tall. Just make sure not to park anywhere you might get caught. Or where families might be around. Or in the daylight. Or… actually, maybe forget about the car and go with couch sex instead.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Give choking a try, Capricorn. Let someone else control your pleasure for a minute instead of always taking over. It could be a powerful reminder to let go and embrace the flow.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Aquarius, please, you’re going to have to trust us with this one. Two words: Ball gag. Leather. Handcuffs—the fluffy pink ones. OK, maybe that’s more than two words, but we really think you’re going to love it!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Did someone say… role-play? Sit down with your partner and spill your deepest, wildest fantasies. Do you dream of domination or subordination? Meeting at a bar and taking on sexy alter egos? Let your inner horny take control as your imaginations run wild.
This article originally appeared in Volume 45, Issue 4, published October 22, 2024.
