Your Horoscope: April 1 2016
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
Without a shadow of a doubt, you are the superior race, and that belief will guide the important decisions you make today. You will see a cloud shaped as a donkey in the sky and then you will know everyone wants you. Unleash that fire on anyone of your choice; they will not put up any resistance. For today only, the Casino of Montreal is offering a free drink for the pure. Don’t wait a second longer, put on that perfect white attire and go play that lucky five.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
It looks like you’ve had your fingers in too many pies lately, Taurus. You’d better go wash your hands before you get mauled by wild raccoons. Seriously, you have pie hands. It’s gross.
As the week progresses, you should also be wary if you receive a surprise phone call telling you that you’ve won a cruise. It may sound exciting at first, but it’s possible—likely, even—that it’s fake.
Gemini (May 21 to June 21)
Oh, dear Gemini. I think it might be time to take a step back. Step away from the limelight. Just chill for a bit. You’ve said too much. No, really, you’ve said way too much. People are pissed. Maybe it would be a good time to stay quiet, take it easy. A vow of silence perhaps? I’ve heard there’s a nice cabin tucked into the valley of the Adirondack mountains that could provide you with some spiritual enlightenment. And maybe some less controversial thoughts, too.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
Stay away from sugar and the news. Dreadful consequences will come from eating ice cream and reading The Link (you will be safe eating pickles and reading The Concordian). All is mysterious and you glide through life like water, it’s time you turn over that business card and realize help was there all along. Today a cute French girl will ask you for a cigarette; if you are not a smoker run to the nearest dep to satisfy her needs.
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
Everyone seems to be in a bad mood lately. Maybe they’re all getting worried about finals, but you just don’t see what all the fuss is about. After all, your selfie game has been totally on point lately, AND you picked up a ton of new Instagram followers this week. Honestly Leo, just keep doing what you’re doing. Your real friends might hate you, but all your followers think you’re cute. You win some, you lose some. That’s called having balance.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
Have you done something new with your hair lately? A new shirt? It’s the glasses. Definitely the glasses. Well nice try, it’s not going to get you out of that texting and driving ticket. Goddammit, Virgo, you should know better. People have DIED, Virgo. Do you want that on your conscience? I don’t think so. Nice glasses, though.
Libra (September 23 to October 22)
Masturbation is not a solution, so get your hands out of your pants, and back onto the steering wheel of your life. Your head is in the clouds and people around you are starting to feel it. It’s time for you to leave your mother’s basement and that glorious computer and give others a chance. Later today a tall mysterious stranger will lightly brush your arm in the metro, just let it happen. Seven full moons will align; luck is on your side. But next week, you should consider buying a car. Please.
Sagittarius (October 23 to November 21)
Spontaneous travel is in the stars for you. Pack your bags, tie your shoelaces, grab your passport and run. Literally. Run. Remember that thing that happened that one summer? The one you made a blood pact to never talk about again? Well… Someone didn’t keep their promise and people are PISSED. I recommend that you get as far away as you can and stay there. Who knows, maybe a small Indonesian fishing village will serve you well as a new home.
Scorpio (November 22 to December 21)
Uh-oh. Someone’s been talking behind your back, Scorpio. Luckily for you, they were talking about someone else. This week, you should watch what you eat. Not because you’re eating poorly or anything. It’s just really hard to eat with your eyes closed. You don’t want to spill your cereal all over the floor again, do you? Don’t you remember how long that took to clean up? And all the bits that rolled under the stove and are starting to smell bad? So watch what you eat.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
You are doing everything just right, and it’s time to change it up. Your partner has been stealing from you, pick up that airsoft gun you ordered last week and make today the day of deliverance. Recycle the past and start thinking about the planet; and remember that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. The stars predict a great future for you and a big life change is inevitable at this point.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Hey Aquarius, you should be proud of yourself! You’ve been getting a lot done lately. It’s okay that you didn’t finish that Sudoku puzzle you started. It’s also okay that you ate that extra dessert the other night. And it’s okay that you never call your mom and dad just to say hi. Actually, maybe you shouldn’t be feeling so good about yourself. At least phone your parents. They do worry about you, you know.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Good on you, Pisces. You’ve gone a whole day without shaking an angry fist at the jerk who cut you off in traffic. You resisted that last piece of chocolate cake that you’ve been eyeing in the fridge. You even turned off that Top-40 crap and listened to news radio for once! Now indulge. Shake your fist. Eat that cake. Sing Taylor Swift like no one is around. But be careful: someone is around.