Sex and Pancakes

Are You Experienced?

OpinionsMelissa Fuller — Published March 6, 2012

My current lover has had a lot of sexual partners before me. I, on the other hand, have only had sex with a handful of people. Every time I am pleasuring my partner I can’t help but feel super self-conscious about everything I do because of the experience disparity. I really want my partner to think I’m the bomb, though! Help?
— Number Problems

It can be really easy to feel self-conscious when taking on the role of pleasuring your partner, since it involves putting yourself out there. It can also become somewhat of a vicious cycle because it’s hard to feel confident if you’re not feeling sexy, and hard to feel sexy if you’re not feeling confident…

I want to start by saying that “a lot of partners” doesn’t necessarily translate into a lot of good partners. I’m not sure what qualifies as “a lot” but I’m going to assume that includes some hookups and one-night stands, which aren’t exactly situations where people are invested in working on their partner’s pleasure.

That aside, this problem isn’t really about how many people your partner has had but how you react to it. If you want your partner to think you’re the bomb, you have to first find out what they think is the bomb!
We all want to think we’re great in bed, but what might be great with one person could be the hugest turnoff to the next, so you never really know.

People who are considered good in bed are usually really good at communicating—either with words or nonverbally through body language. If you’re paying attention, you can usually tell if someone really isn’t enjoying something, but you also can’t read your partner’s mind, so if you’re unsure, just ask.

Asking can be intimidating but it’s all about how you ask. I’m not sure what the nature of the relationship is—whether it’s completely casual, open, or monogamous—but that will also determine how much you want to invest in this process and what approach you want to take.

I suggest incorporating the question into your sex life since it tends to feel less awkward than sitting down to talk about it.

You can use dirty talk as a method, and ask your partner if they like something as you’re doing it, or get them to talk about what they’d like to do with you or to you.

You can even frame it as a treat for them by saying it’s all about them this time and that you want to be directed and told what to do. After just one time you should be able to get some idea of what they’re looking for.
If all else fails, suck it up and ask directly.

Part of this all relies on your partner’s honesty with you and there’s only so much you can do there. If you show that you’re open to feedback they’ll be a lot more likely to feel like they can give it without hurting your feelings. Once that line of communication is opened you’ll both feel a lot more comfortable asking for and getting what you want.

On that note, don’t forget to get what you want, too, because this isn’t only about whether or not they’re satisfied. If you obsess too much over their past sexual partners you might just forget to have fun!
(Oh—and, however unromantic it seems, get an STI test, because you’ve now had sex with a lot of people by proxy!)

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