Let’s Never Do The Time Warp, Ever Again

Graphic Graeme Shorten Adams

All right, look. I don’t want you to finish this issue thinking this newspaper unanimously supports The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

On minor issues, The Link may be a united front, but when it comes to the important stuff, our divisions run deep.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is so bad that it’s not even good. Like, it’s actually just really awful. For those of you who are fortunate enough to have never seen the film and are enticed by the esteemed Riley Stativa’s article, don’t be fooled—there’s only one good scene and that’s when Meat Loaf shows up out of nowhere and aimlessly rides around on a motorcycle singing a completely unrelated but pretty regular Meat Loaf song.

Then he immediately gets killed. The rest of the movie consists of every uncomfortable pubescent dream you wished you’d never had, minus the insight. Then it ends. You are dying every day.

And don’t think it gets any better when you watch it with a bunch of costumed strangers screaming at a screen. I mean, I guess in theory it could be fun—if showing up to the same 120 minute-long inside joke delivered by a hive of awkwardly sexualized teenagers enough times to be able to scream along about how hilarious tampons are on cue in the dark is your idea of fun. I mean, ritual human sacrifice and reading Ulysses operate on the same principle, and I’d much rather be doing either of those.

Dear readers, there’s so much more fun to be had in drag than going to see a crappy movie that I thought was about Marilyn Monroe (‘cause, y’know, the lips. I can’t be the only one). Make your own choices about how to spend your time, and don’t confuse other people’s opinions with your own. Except on this one. I encourage you to do that for me on this one.