A Charter of Habitant Values

My fellow Quebecers, our values are under attack.

If you’ve been to downtown Montreal then you’ve seen our problem. These ostentatious displays are congregating and proliferating on our streets, in our places of business and even in our sports bars.

They’re creeping into our public lives, entering our homes and pervading the minds of our children.

Our women are being told that in order to fit in to this cult they must hide themselves in baggy, unflattering clothing.

And I, for one, cannot understand why it’s gone this far unchecked.

What we need is some sort of law—a charter, perhaps—to secure our cultural survival. For the sake of all Quebecers, we must band together to banish these cultish symbols from our lives.

I am, of course, talking about Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys.

The threat itself is not new. We’ve come to expect the invading McGill and Concordia undergraduates from Ontario to keep a ghastly Doug Gilmour sweater with them as they learn to become lawyers and doctors on their parent’s dime.

But they knew the rules: if you stepped out anywhere with that thing on during a Canadiens game, you would lose that silver spoon in your mouth along with a few teeth.

That was how it worked; when they came here, they abided by our important and sacred tradition of unilateral hockey love—but no more!

Now, the Station des Sports is more Leafs Nation than Habs Central. They’ve even reserved a private room for these people, and since it has no roof those bastards have a perfect view of the night sky. And that’s our sky!

Some may say our argument is intolerant, that it doesn’t matter the colour of your jersey, and that the idea is only championed by a privileged few afraid of losing their societal superiority. To them, I say: you’re wrong. But I’ll have to get back to you on the exact reasons why.

No longer will our pure laine Habitant society be muddied by these blue leaf-baggers. Ça suffit, bro.

—Andrew Brennan
News Editor (and Leafs fan)