Nah’msayin?

In All Pizza Seriousness

  • GRAPHIC JOSHUA BARKMAN

A slice of pizza is not a hard thing to eat. I mean, yeah, it can be a little flimsy at the end, and occasionally the cheese has separation issues and clings to the crust—but overall I think we can agree that consuming a slice is not a difficult task, one that can even be done with relative grace and enjoyment while incredibly intoxicated.

Yet somehow, some people still manage to do it wrong. This common error occurs when pizza-eaters savagely fold their slices in half, creating a perverse, sloppy sandwich-like shape in order to shove it down their throats as quickly as possible.

Uncalled for.

Your slice of pizza was hot and ready when you bought it—and probably took about thirty seconds to arrive in your possession from the moment you ordered it, so why are you rushing?

By doubling it up, you just sliced your pizza-eating enjoyment in half—for every two bites of cheesy deliciousness you could have had, you now have one. Sucks to be you.

Also, I’d like to clarify that I am not writing this as an attack on the calzone. The calzone is an absolutely fabulous format for enjoying your ‘za, because it allows for you to stuff your crust with copious amount of cheese and other wonderful toppings—more than you could pile onto your average slice.

But these are two separate things. A slice of pizza quite simply is not a calzone, and no hungry, hungry hurrier can change that. So don’t.

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