Nah’msayin?

Someone Call the Concert Cops

OpinionsMegan Dolski — Published February 28, 2012

I love live music, the whole experience of it. The people you meet at concerts are usually pretty stellar human beings as well. But without fail there are always a few Buzz Killingtons that manage to sneak into every show and put a damper on things.

The Rock sees fit to remain utterly sedentary for the entire duration of the show. This includes, but is not limited to, when someone is trying to inch by them, trying to see something or trying pay for a beer. You will also never see this person demonstrating any sign that they are having a good time (i.e. clapping, moshing, head-bobbing, dancing, etc.). This person is almost always 6’5” and the width of a small football field.

The Shvitz sweats profusely, and likes to rub up against every single person in the crowd. Naturally, the shvitz smells fantastic, is covered in hair and has an aversion to wearing shirts. And somehow, the shvitz even seems to make appearances
at unplugged and acoustic shows, when perspiration is, quite frankly, uncalled for.

The Bubble expects everyone in the crowd to remain at least an arm’s-length distance from them, despite the fact that they are in the front row. They like to huff and puff and give dirty looks to everyone that so much as brushes up against them. Look, I don’t want to touch you either—but there are 8,000 people behind me that also want to see.

The Encyclopedia knows what colour underwear the lead the singer is wearing, what elementary school the bass player went to, what the drummer’s childhood dream was and likes to make sure everyone around is aware of their superior knowledge.

What the Encyclopedia is completely oblivious to, however, is the fact that no one else in the audience fucking cares.

If you enjoy going to concerts and realize you fall into any of the above categories, please adjust your behaviour accordingly. That, or accept the fact that the world would be a much better place if you enjoyed your favourite bands alone in your bedroom.

– Megan Dolski
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