The Tyranny of St. Valentine

Graphic Joshua Barkman

Men! Women! Singletons! Lend me your ears—or, perhaps, more specifically, your hearts.

I come to tell you of a great tragedy, one that has gone undiscussed, unrevealed to the public eye for too long. For decades innocent humans have suffered under the tyranny of St. Valentine, their pain untalked about in the media, their misery shunned.

I speak, of course, about people in relationships. The lonely onlies of the world, thanks to the ‘single lobby,’ have been able to paint Valentine’s Day as primarily tough on single people.

“Oh no,” they cry. “We have no one to love us! Instead we have to gorge ourselves on chocolate and candy and hope that the sugar buzz will act as a simulacrum, however brief, of the feelings of true love.”

Little do they know, however, that making a candy food baby is actually a lot better than being in a relationship; the good part is usually just as fleeting, the high is almost as high, and the comedown is significantly less painful.

Plus, the love-replacing poison of your choice is just a discount candy bin away.

If you’re in a relationship Feb. 14, however, the real pernicious aspect is how Valentine’s works to undermine true romance.

Real love and all that jazz is spontaneous! It’s about surprises, the unexpected and the unusual. Getting a bunch of roses or a pearl necklace in mid-February every year is pretty much the death of love.

There’s a simple solution: we abolish Valentine’s Day. (Easy.)

The upshot? People in couples are forced to fend for themselves romantically. If your significant other isn’t capable of surprising you by romantically blowing your mind at least once a year on a day of their choosing, probably find someone else who is.

And single people? Spreading their complaining out over the other 12 months of the year, instead of concentrating it all in February.