Love doesn’t need a rulebook
Online dating advice and expectations are ruining relationships.
It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and whether you’re single, in a relationship or somewhere in between, there’s a good chance your timelines are flooded with dating advice. Mine surely is.
Social media, mainly TikTok, is full of rules, theories and psychological tactics promising to help achieve “perfect” relationships. Rather than helping us find meaningful connections, a lot of this advice is making dating more complicated than it needs to be.
Endless “tests” designed to determine if your partner is truly interested are trending. Similar videos encourage behaviours like waiting hours to respond, trying to make them jealous and pulling away to see if they chase. But love isn’t a game where one person needs to win. These tactics promote manipulation rather than genuine connection.
Some of the tests that come to mind right away are the "bird test" and the "orange peel test," along with many others that encourage people to scrutinize their partners' behaviours or lack thereof in specific scenarios. For instance, the bird test suggests that a partner's reaction to a casual comment about a bird can reveal their attentiveness and empathy. While these tests might seem insightful, they often lead to overanalysis and unrealistic expectations, which can ultimately undermine healthy relationships.
But it’s not just these two—there’s the taxi cab theory, the shoe theory, the watch theory, the hair theory—the list goes on. At this point, dating on TikTok feels like a giant testing lab. The truth is: relationships aren’t puzzles you can solve with the right framework.
Our generation has become hyper-fixated on oversharing aspects of our lives online. When it comes to relationships, the fixation often stems from a deep desire for external validation. Whether it’s to convince others that your relationship is perfect or to convince yourself that it is—when in reality, it may not be—social media has turned love into a performance.
Unfortunately, no theory will give you the answers you’re looking for. If you’re confused about how someone feels about you, the chances are that so are they. The curated nature of social media makes it easy to compare your dating life to what you see online. It makes you hyper-aware of what a relationship “should” look like rather than focusing on what works for you individually. As we’ve seen with the “Godfather” trend circulating before the TikTok ban—where influencers confessed to lying about their lives, routines and relationships for engagement—many of these so-called “relationship experts” might have never been in happy or healthy relationships themselves.
At the same time, entire accounts dedicated to “couple goals” content feed into this cycle of unrealistic expectations. These influencers turn their relationship into brands, carefully curating every moment to appear effortless and perfect. But when love becomes content, how much of it is real? Many of these seemingly flawless relationships end in quiet breakups, deleted posts and the realization that their picture-perfect love story was just another performance.
At the end of the day, no theory, test or timeline can dictate the success of a relationship. What actually matters is setting boundaries, communicating honestly, and making sure you and your partner have each other’s best interests at heart.
Love doesn’t have to be proven through various tests nor does it have to be a toxic game you’re actively playing to be real or worthwhile. Don’t let social media convince you otherwise.
This article originally appeared in Volume 45, Issue 9, published February 11, 2025.
