Just Ask Me Who I’m Fucking

The Sex Lives of Girls With Nosey Family Members

OpinionsAutumn Darey — Published January 10, 2023 4 minutes

For some people, my romantic life is of particular interest, though you may not be able to tell based solely on how they ask their questions. You’d think by now they’d know I don’t have much of a love life, since I’ve never brought anyone home to meet my family.

Yet the questions persist: “Are there any cute boys in your classes?”, “Have you met anyone at a party?”, “Is there anyone you want to tell us about?” ask my cousins, aunts, uncles and extended family. They usually strike right when I've taken a sip of my soda or a bite of food. Their questions lurking under the loveseat and coffee table like ankle-biting kittens. 

One of the things I’ve found asked most often to me and my femme-presenting friends are questions like “are you seeing someone?” If we’re honest, the real question they’re trying to ask is if we’re fucking someone.

I started getting asked that question, in one of its many forms, around age 12. While I’ve been able to avoid it for the last few years because of COVID-19’s halt on gatherings, I know that when I see family I haven't gathered with in a while, it’s bound to come up.

Dating has never been a priority for me. I’ve always put my education and financial independence first. While it would be great to have a partner, relationships are work that I, quite frankly, have varying levels of time for. I also know that I’m still young, and not having a partner in my 20s is normal. This is my time to try new things and find out what I want and don’t want from life.

There might be a lot of fish in the sea, but there’s also an ungodly amount of trash. — Autumn Darey

When I was around 16, I was asked by a male member of my extended family when I planned on having kids. I asked why he felt comfortable asking a minor. When I got no reply, I followed up and asked how he knew I didn't have health issues that would make it difficult or impossible for me to have children.

The questions have slowed down, possibly because said family members know they’ll get a reply that they really don’t like. However, it’s also likely because society’s interest in women plummets as we age. I was cat-called and harassed more between 10 and 17 than I have been between 18 and 26.

The men in the room grew visibly uncomfortable and the women looked on, waiting for an answer as the room stood still. Never did I get an answer and the subject has never been overtly brought up around me since. 

While I know my family members mean well and want to know that I’m happy, I often wish they’d just ask me if I’m fucking someone. 

It’s extremely difficult to explain to people—particularly older, married people who haven't dated in decades—how difficult it is to date now. As a cis woman who dates men, I can tell you from experience that there are a lot of single men out there, and very few of them are ready for adult relationships. There might be a lot of fish in the sea, but there's also an ungodly amount of trash.

While sex might be an important part of some relationships, it might be at the bottom of the list for others. We need to be willing to accept that sex and intimacy aren’t and never have had a one-size fits all solution. 

The majority of sex education is horrendous. We seldom give young people the tools and space to talk about sex and sexuality beyond the most basic details. We seem almost afraid of overtly talking about our sex lives and desires, yet there are so many who are willing to ask, covertly (or not), under the guise of catching up.

So, for any of my family members who might be reading this, no, I’m not currently fucking anyone. I’m a little busy with multiple degrees, three part-time jobs and my attempt to maintain my mental and physical well-being. Adding in another human being who needs and deserves the time and effort a relationship takes is not on my schedule. 

If and when that changes, I'll be sure to let you know. Please pass the potatoes.

This article originally appeared in Volume 43, Issue 9, published January 10, 2023.