How to be demolished by burnout

Special IssueSatireMarcus Bankuti — Published September 8, 2020 4 minutes

Live with your parents: The skyrocketing cost of rent in Montreal doesn’t have to be a drain on your budget. Just stay in your childhood home on the West Island. Bills are for suckers and people without a stable family life.

Wait, you don’t have that? That’s OK. There’s tons of jobs people don’t want to do during a pandemic. Sure, the hours are long and it’ll take you away from your studies, but I’m sure your professors will understand.

Resign yourself to an unrewarding career: Your personal life is your business, so you really should be able to juggle two jobs, a full course load, grad school applications, and maybe even a study buddy or two. If you can’t pull off your obligations as adeptly as your classmate on Zoom whose mattress isn’t on the floor, have you thought about trying harder?

If elbow grease isn’t your thing, don’t fret. There’s plenty of work out there for the tenacious liberal arts grad, even if you didn’t have time to join Model UN. The best part is, you probably don’t even need to look for a new job.

Break up with your partner: This one’s easy—there’s lots to fight about these days. Besides, a warm, loving embrace is just time spent not doing something more productive. If you really insist on staying in your relationship, maybe you could at least try thinking about the allegory of the cave during sex?

Drink alcohol: Ah, nothing like kicking your feet up after a long day and cracking a beer or six. Of course, it’s COVID, so you’ll be drinking alone.

Not convinced? Come on, it took the edge off for your parents’ generation. Sure, they had cheap tuition, a living wage, and affordable housing, but we all have our problems. I guess you forgot how lucky you are to live in Canada.

Give up: OK, so any way you slice it, it’s a little too much. Well, there’s always the nuclear option. Have you considered dropping out of school? Concordia wasn’t going to impress that McGill undergrad on Tinder anyways.

Starved for tips?

This article originally appeared in The Disorientation Issue, published September 8, 2020.