Breaching the Topic of New Bedroom Experiences

I am a girl in a relationship with another girl. She’s amazing in bed and I am being satisfied. I’ve been feeling a little exploratory and open to new experiences in the bedroom lately, and I really want her to fuck me with a strap-on. However, every time I want to bring it up, I feel sort of ashamed and embarrassed about it. How can I get over this embarrassment, and how do I start this dialogue without feeling uncomfortable?
—Getting Comfortable

If you want to feel comfortable starting this dialogue the first thing you need to do is get completely comfortable with owning that desire. No shame, no embarrassment, because whatever your partner’s or anyone’s reaction might be, there is nothing wrong with what you want or with voicing it.

I’m not sure if this is the case for you, but it’s not an uncommon thing for people to feel weird when they have desires for acts that aren’t typically viewed as meant to take place in their relationship.

For example, you’re in a relationship with another girl and you desire penetrative sex—something that some people take issue with or don’t desire in girl-girl relationships. These limitations suck because they’re based on the idea that there’s a right and wrong way to have sex depending on who you are.

I’m a huge advocate for total body sex, which is centred on the idea that people should feel free to explore and experience pleasure through any and every part of their body regardless of their gender, sexual orientation or identity.

Basically, regardless of who you are and who you like to fuck, you should feel free to use and explore any and every body part or act, because our entire bodies are capable of experiencing pleasure. Men who don’t like other men can still enjoy being penetrated, and so can women who like other women.

It doesn’t always need to mean more than wanting the sensation and pleasure derived from the act itself. We live in a world where we have things like strap-ons to accommodate these situations, so that people can still choose to do these things with the partners they want to.

It’s also, of course, fine if you don’t want to explore some parts of your body—but it would be great if people got to create those boundaries for themselves.

Once you’re ready to talk to your partner, that conversation can be easier if you keep it general at first. Maybe ask if there’s anything she’s interested in trying together, and lead into exactly what you wrote to me—that you’ve been feeling exploratory and open to new experiences and there’s something you’d love to try with her.

She might or might not be into it, but hopefully you’ll be able to have a responsive and respectful conversation about it together regardless.

There’s no right or wrong in this situation, but even if you realize you aren’t both into it, you might be able to find a compromise or alternative—or she might even bring up something great to try that you hadn’t thought of.

It sounds like you’re in an awesome, open, adventurous place, which is really the best attitude to have about sex. Open dialogue about sexual desires between sexual partners is not only necessary for mutual fulfilment but can get really hot and exciting if you can both start sharing. So here’s hoping your partner feels the same way!

Submit your questions anonymously at and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook. Need some extra help? You can always contact Concordia Counselling & Development at 514-848-2424 ext. 3545 for SGW and ext. 3555 for Loyola. Got a quick health question? Call info-santé at 8-1-1 from any Montreal number.

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