Sex and Pancakes
Sometimes It’s Hard
My boyfriend of one year and I don’t have intercourse.
We aren’t squeamish about anything and enjoy oral sex and heavy petting, but every time we try to have intercourse he loses his erection. We are a very open, communicative couple and have tried talking about it—but our talks haven’t gone anywhere and it’s gotten to the point where I’m afraid to ask for it. I feel like intercourse is something that should bring us closer, but instead it’s putting a wedge between us. Help? – Sexually Frustrated
So there are a few directions for me to take on this, but I’m kind of taking a shot in the dark without knowing what actually came up in your talk together.
Off the top of my head, this issue could be the result of some trauma related to sex such as a history of abuse, or an emotionally scarring or embarrassing moment. It could also be caused by either social or personal pressure, or even disapproval from parents or friends. It could be a religious issue, a loss of interest, a fear of not being good enough or, plain and simple, maybe your man isn’t into intercourse.
I’m not going to get into all of these because they could be completely irrelevant to your situation, but I’d be really curious to know what came up during your talks because that would point you (and me!) in the right direction.
I’d also want to know if things have always been like this or if this is a recent problem.
I know that sex can be really difficult to talk about, especially if the reason you’re talking about it is because you’re not having any. It sucks, but if there is something deeper going on he might not be ready to talk about it.
However, this is not a reflection of your overall relationship or level of trust—he just might not be comfortable with this one topic. With that in mind, be sensitive. Don’t push too hard and try not to approach this with a “there’s something wrong with you” attitude.
If you want to keep working at this, I think you should continue to maintain a relationship where he’ll feel comfortable opening up to you, if he does have something he wants to talk about. Don’t be offended if he doesn’t immediately open up though because this isn’t something that’s going to be solved overnight. Be patient.
It’s also important to remember that, as much as you do your best to be sensitive to your guy’s situation, you’re not doing anything wrong by wanting to have sex.
The fact that you both still enjoy and continue to have oral sex and heavy petting shows that you’re both still sexually interested and active. It might help to focus on maintaining your sexual relationship and your own pleasure the way you’ve been doing it for now.
If he never does open up to you and nothing changes over time then there isn’t much you can do. Try not to focus on a negative outcome.
For now, it’s better to focus on open communication and strengthening your relationship. And write in if you have more questions later or want to let me know how it goes!
—Melissa Fuller
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