What your customer service script says about you

Astrology, but for minimum wage workers

Much like the Meeseeks, existence is pain for a minimum-wage worker. But what kind of pain is yours? Graphic Emma McSharry

“Oh, hi! How can I help you?”

You pitch your voice at least three octaves higher when serving customers, effortlessly transitioning between your regular voice and this soft, airy iteration when someone walks through the door. You keep a clean distinction between your work and your life, and keep co-workers at arm's length. You’re a worker of mystery. 

“Hello! How’s it going? Were you looking for something specific today?” 

You’re an eager extrovert who genuinely enjoys helping out nice customers. As soon as you make eye contact with them, you’re at their service. Working alone in a boutique might not be the best fit for you, but at least there’s a steady stream of customers to keep you occupied.

“Bonjour, hi. Suivant, next.”

Existence is pain when you work in fast food. The never-ending Rolodex of hungry customers would get on anyone’s nerves, but with your all-star team of coworkers, you can face anything. Remember to lean on your work friends, and discuss your salaries. 

“Si vous remplissez le sondage sur le reçu, vous obtenez la chance de gagner $1,000 en carte-cadeaux.”

You are a broken record, and the only song you play is about the benefits of joining your employer's loyalty program. Try putting your talents to use in other avenues. Maybe a career in music is the next move!

“Yes, the vegetarian meal does not have meat in it.” 

You’re used to answering obvious questions. If you’re up for a change, consider going into elementary education. Find out the answer to the classic question, “Why?”

“Did anyone help you today?”

If the answer is no, you put down your work friend’s name, as you should! You’re a team player who always looks out for their friends. You’re an honest shift lead who lets people leave early instead of making up tasks to keep everyone busy until the end of the night. 

“Sorry, that’s not my department.”

The anthem of the big box store worker. You’re great at what you know, but as soon as you step out of that box, you’re a fish out of water. Your foundation is strong, so now it’s time to branch out. Knowledge is power. Find yourself wondering what the heck goes on in different departments? It’s time to give in that department transfer form. 

*Unrelenting eye contact* 

You’re tired of speaking, so you let your eyes do the talking. You trust that if someone needs something, they’ll reach out for help. We’re all adults, after all. Despite your silence at work, words of affirmation is your primary love language. 

This article originally appeared in The Money Issue, published November 2, 2021.