To Toronto, With Love

OpinionsAdam Kovac — Published November 9, 2010

Hey there, Toronto.

It’s been a while since we spoke. How’s everything? I heard you had a few pretty important people over a few months back for quite the party! Sorry if I’m being inappropriate. I can see why that whole G20 thing is still a bit of a sore subject for you.

But how’s everything else? Say, that Chris Bosh guy is off to a decent start. Not to mention that Roy Halladay dude you guys have—a perfect game is nothing to sneeze at. And how about those Leafs!
Ok, that wasn’t nice of me. Honestly, Toronto, I think we need to have a talk. It’s about your new Mayor. I just don’t think you guys are a good fit. You and I, we’ve had our differences in the past, but I hate to see you get into a relationship with somebody who is so clearly wrong for you.

I know he says he loves you. They all do at first. But I have to tell you, Toronto, Rob Ford doesn’t love you for who you are. He wants to change you.

Toronto, we both know you’ve never been the best looking city, but one of the biggest parts of looking good is accentuating your best features. One of the best things about you was your friendliness towards bikes. You have beautiful dedicated bike lanes along many of your major streets. You have city-subsidized programs to teach both kids and adults how to bike. Hell, you even decided to copy us over here and might launch your own BIXI program in May 2011.

But here you are, toying around with Rob Ford. He called cyclists a “pain in the ass,” and said he cannot support bike lanes. Come on, Toronto. You can do better!

And then there’s his insensitivity to those with AIDS. He’s argued against funding prevention programs and has openly hypothesized that women who get AIDS must be sleeping with bisexual men. I’m worried, Toronto. I’m worried about the terrible diseases you’re going to get, because this man will spend the next four years fucking you. Bareback.

And then there’s his casual racism. Sure, saying Asians “work like dogs” may seem complimentary, but even positive stereotypes just aren’t cool. Toronto, it just makes you look bad while you sit quietly by at dinner parties while he goes on drunken, racist rants. Stop enabling him!

Look, we’ve had this rivalry going on for a while, but it’s always been pretty friendly. Now that you’ve made a commitment to Rob Ford, it’s pretty much over. We’ve won. Sure, our politicians have some ties to organized crime, but they aren’t out there getting pulled over after drinking a “few litres of wine.”

This victory doesn’t feel good. Now we’re going to have to find a new city to constantly diss. Vancouver? Too far away. Ottawa?

Sincerely, the City of Montreal

Disclaimer: This isn’t really a letter from the City of Montreal, please don’t sue us.

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 13, published November 9, 2010.