Taking the party out of “Super Bowl Party”

Watching football and pretending to understand it

SportsBrie Shimansky — Published February 8, 2021 5 minutes

This was the first year that I genuinely watched the action. I had no idea what was going on, but I put on a brave face and made it through the whole game. I learned of who was playing when I turned on the TV—really goes to show how invested I am in football.

Kansas City Chiefs and Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Okay. Well, now I had to pick who I would cheer for. I googled their quarterbacks and saw Patrick Mahomes and Tom Brady, respectively. 

I was kinda surprised because I thought Brady played for the New England Patriots? I guess a trade occurred during my year-long hiatus from football—that period of time between Super Bowl 54 and Super Bowl 55. Anyway, Brady’s a Buccaneer now, and I like the alliteration of it. All I know about him is that he’s won a bunch of rings, so he must be an accessory king. Mahomes though, I mean I’ve heard good things, but I don’t know much else about him. 

Still unsure of who to cheer for, I searched up both of their birthdays and discovered that Mahomes is a Virgo and Brady is a Leo. Solely based on that, I decided to bandwagon the Bucs. The thing with Leos is they’re really good at getting what they want. So, if Brady wanted another ring, the stars said he would get it.

That's not to say there’s anything wrong with Mahomes, or Virgos in general, I just felt a Leo QB would be more conducive to a championship. Spoiler alert: I was right, seven times over. Watching the Chiefs’ brutal loss was definitely sad though. I don’t know enough about the game to determine if they played horribly, or if the Bucs just played brilliantly. I’m assuming it was a combination of both. I think Mahomes did the best he could and at the end of the day, that’s all you can ask for. It really is just a game, it’s not that deep. I mean it’s probably quite deep for the Chiefs, considering that’s their career, but still! 

Someone I truly want to speak about is Gronk. His name is gorgeous—it’s even better than Brady’s Bucs alliteration because Gronk’s name is an onomatopoeia. So like if one were to describe the sound of a football hitting the ground they could say, “Did you hear that gronk?” Who knew an extensive knowledge of English literary devices would translate into sports writing, but here we are. 

“Spending the night with Mahomes just didn’t hit the same as spending it with my homies.”

I know his real name is Rob Gronkowski because he’s dating one of my favorite models, Camille Kostek. She’s a gem—beautiful and kind. Arguably more important than winning the Super Bowl, Gronk’s a winner for landing her. 

I had no idea he would be playing yesterday. I mean of course I didn’t know because I didn’t know anybody playing yesterday, but when it came to him especially, I was taken aback because I can still remember what Camille wore to his retirement party in 2019. It was interesting to see him back on the field with his former Patriot bestie Brady, doing what they do best—scoring touchdowns and having hot spouses.  

In terms of the actual sports of it all, I really relied on the announcer’s help to understand what was going on. At one point someone said, “that kick was high and good.” So that made the game more accessible to me, since I knew the player was able to achieve both of those qualities. 

Later, they described one of the players as having “a lot of nuance in his game,” and that was comforting because it made me feel like the announcer didn’t actually understand what was going on either. I say this because I drop the term ‘nuance’ in almost all of my essays, and it’s just an easy way to sound like you know something when you really don’t. 

Another thing that confused me was this whole business of ‘first downs.’ There were a lot of them, and it just seemed like wouldn’t the first, first down be the first down? And if you’re reading this, thinking to yourself that what I’m saying doesn’t make sense, then just try imagining me watching the game. The terminology is so unnecessarily complicated. There should be some kind of BEMDAS for first downs—I figured that since I brought English into my analysis, I might as well add some math too. 

Shall we get into science next? Uh, 25,000 people in a venue doesn’t sound like a very COVID-safe idea. I didn’t think there would be an in-person attendance at all, but no, 25,000 people came through anyway. The Super Bowl was held in Florida, so yeah, I mean the lack of concern for people’s wellbeing checks out. It’s just that when I said I would die for the Weeknd, that’s simply not what I meant. Nonetheless, his House of Balloons performance was everything—talk about hot and dangerous.

Even though Brady the Buc brought about another Super Bowl victory, it’s important to remember that he’s a Trump supporter. For that reason, I think the real winner is the half-naked fan who ran across the field because he’s far less problematic than the so-called greatest of all-time. 

All in all, watching the Super Bowl alone was a vastly different experience than watching it with my friends—mostly because I actually paid attention this time. But spending the night with Mahomes just didn’t hit the same as spending it with my homies. Either way, I’d have no idea what was going on, but at least I’d be surrounded by people who were also very confused by the concept of ‘first downs.’