Prince Ralph Osei Returns

Former Student Union Prez Exiled in Secret Coup

DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.

The brass buttons on Prince Ralph Osei’s ornate uniform shined as he stepped onto the tarmac at Pierre Elliot Trudeau International Airport at noon on March 29.

“Tell the dogs on the seventh floor that I have returned to Concordia, my long days in exile are finally over,” exclaimed Osei after reviewing an honour guard drawn from each of the university’s four faculties.

The former president of the Concordia Student Union explained that his resignation and departure from Concordia in early August was not voluntary, but part of a secret and violent coup d’état by turncoat VPs.
“They wanted a police state, they thought it would be fun,” said Osei. “I know a thing or two about police states, the fun stops when the batons come out and the public sodomy begins.”

After his election last March, Osei said that four of his VPs discovered his support for gender-neutral bathrooms, and his opposition to bottled water on campus.

“They decided to get rid of me when they discovered I was opposed to the Faubourg as a student centre,” said Osei. “Think of it: the mould, the asbestos, the lack of people interested in going inside. It would have been a perfect dungeon for their secret police.

“I said no, so they forced me out,” Osei continued. The president was not the first executive to be forced out in the reign of terror. Neither would he be the last.

“They got Nikki first, those vile bastards,” said Osei, referring to former VP Finance Nikki Tsoflikis, who resigned in April 2010. “She discovered their plans, but before she could bring it to me. BAM. Gone.

“Then Zhuo found out and they disappeared him. Finally Morgan escaped, barely,” he continued. Former VP Finance Zhuo Ling resigned in January, former VP Sustainability & Promotions Morgan Pudface left the CSU in March.

An emergency question has been put on this week’s ballot asking Concordia undergraduate students if they are willing to turn the union into a constitutional monarchy. While the democratic process is mysterious, this newspaper knows that the question will be approved by 82 per cent of students.

This article originally appeared in The Link Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.

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