Entire Student Union Resigns

Old prospector is new president

DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.

90 per cent of the union’s $2 million budget to go towards the exploration and extraction of gold from Mount Royal.

The Concordia Student Union has been shaken by a wave of resignations. Citing personal reasons, heavy course loads and one particularly acute case of restless leg syndrome, all 30 CSU councillors and six members of the executive resigned at the union’s Wednesday Council meeting.

“I guess when it rains it pours,” said former councillor Timmy Shavers, who resigned over his disappointment with the Montreal Canadiens’ lackluster performance against the Boston Bruins last week.

As mandated by its constitution, the union will be replaced by a provisional one-man government headed by 87-year-old gold prospector Paddy “Shakes” Finnegan.

Adorned in a coonskin hat, overalls and an assortment of clinking pans and camping equipment, Finnegan addressed Concordia University at a press conference yesterday.

“Ah fiddlesticks! Looks like old Shakes has gone and done it now,” said Finnegan, who has absolutely no political experience to speak of. “I wasn’t fixin’ to be no president, I don’t even remember what all my alphabets are called. What’s the first one called? You know the one that looks like a mountain with a bar through it?”

According to Section 54, Article 6 of the CSU’s constitution “In the event that every union councillor and executive resigns, the CSU will be turned over to an old prospector who will then use the union’s funds to find gold and other such riches.”

“I know what you’re thinking, it doesn’t really make sense,” said former CSU President Hayley Liston who resigned because this season of The Office disappointed her time and time again. “He’s nearly blind, his dog smells like death and he still uses the term ‘Chinamen’ when referring to non-whites, but if you saw him swinging a pick axe, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

As his first official act in office, Finnegan appointed his dog Scraps as VP External of the CSU.

“Old Scraps here can count to seven,” said Finnegan. “And he can smell a rabbit near three miles away. Four miles if’n the wind is right powerful.”

Finnegan also pledged to divert 90 per cent of the union’s $2 million budget to the exploration and extraction of gold from Mount Royal.

“There’s gold in them there hills,” he yelled. “I’ve prospected in Sioux City, up Snake’s Canyon and under Old Coyote’s Pass. I’ve made millions and lost it all in on mash liquor and dice games. But this time old Shakes can feel the gold running through his veins.”

Students expecting their union to oppose tuition hikes and reform the university’s dysfunctional Board of Governors will be disappointed as Finnegan plans on abandoning the CSU’s advocacy causes and enforcing mandatory labour.

“I’ll get ‘em workin’ like greased lightning,” he said. “And when this year’s done we’ll all sleeping on beds with real sheets, in buildings with indoor outhouses and real toothpaste.”

–e. curtis finney

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.