President Pastor Really a Robot

Hardware Malfunction Uncovers ConU Prez

Special IssueWulia Wabbit — Published April 1, 2013

Students and faculty were shocked to discover Tuesday that Pastor’s easy-going nature is not a personality type, but rather a reflection on the current limits on artificial intelligence.

Created in the robotics lab at McGill, Pastor was sent to Concordia as a high-tech spy to root out secrets and destroy the school from within.

“To be honest, there were signs,” university spokesperson Tina Meta said. “I mean, he shows almost no emotion, snacks on spare bolts and is absolutely terrified of water, but I just always figured that was an American thing. I mean, they do weird stuff down there.”

The school first noticed something was off at one of the university’s Senate meetings when Pastor’s circuitry malfunctioned, causing the president to show rare signs of distress.

“At first we thought maybe he was just emotionally engaged in the discussion,” said graduate student Senator Bobert Bobin. “But then we remembered this is Pastor we’re talking about, there had to be another explanation.”

When concerned senators attempted to approach him, Pastor backed away, repeatedly shouting, “No disassemble!”

He eventually collapsed on the floor, twitching occasionally.

Assuming the man had just passed out, Bobin attempted to remove Pastor’s Concordia-logo tie, which he is never seen without. Once he got the tight tie loose, however, Pastor’s head came right off.

“Pop! Just like that.” Bobin said. “It was some freaky, Men in Black shit.”

Inside Pastor, the senators found wires, electronics and a hand scribbled note from McGill’s outgoing President Meather Bunroe-Hum that read: “Suck it, Stingers Scum.”

Bunroe-Hum was unavailable for comment, but McGill Spokesperson Doug Mean suggested that Pastor was not the only AI robot roaming the university halls.

“I mean, have you met Mick Mullier?” Mean said.

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.