PRANKLINE

Special IssueThe Link — Published April 1, 2013

HELLO? My name is Blake and I’m a freshman at McGill and I think I’ve wandered too far off campus. It’s getting cold out and I haven’t eaten in like two, maybe three hours. What time is it? The sun sets to the west right? There’s a dog that’s been following me for like three blocks. I’m pretty sure he knows I’m super high right now. [CLICK!]

What’s up with all these fuckin’ hippie types on the seventh floor ‘round noontime, bro? Fuckin’ Tupperware n’ shit… pssh. [CLICK!]

Hello…? Is this thing on…? Peter? Can you hear me? Stupid thing. It’s Wormsworth. They took my precious. Damn kids… Stuck me away in a broom closet. I just want my monies back. Peter? Can you sign for my snacks? [CLICK!]

Yo, what’s the deal with washroom stalls without hooks? There’s nothing more frustrating than having to hold in your deuce because there’s no hook for your jacket, backpack, or whatever. Sometimes, you gotta find an entirely different washroom, or different floor! Do people actually steal those hooks??? Shit’s weak, brah. [CLICK!]

This is to the guy at Irish Embassy who asked me ‘what’s your problem dude?’ My problem is you, Kimosabe. So step off bro… what? What? I thought so. The only reason I didn’t say that at the bar is cause I thought you said ‘I have problems dude’ so, naturally, I said ‘I’m sorry man, just leave me alone please mister’ and then looked at the floor and walked away, quickly. But now I’m calling you out, esse. But I’ll be in Toronto for a few months and then I’m getting rotator cuff surgery so, realistically, if you wanna go in like one or one-and-a-half years, let’s go, brah. I’ll start shit ‘cause I don’t give a fuck. [CLICK!]

Hello? You’ve caught me at a bad time. I’m rather high on speed and listening to John Frusciante. But I need more bass and the lo-fi MP3 file is not doing justice to Dr. John’s brilliance. I require more audiophilia. I hope that’s still legal… it’s legal to marry your cousin, so I guess there’s hope. Yes, there’s your rant, PRANKLINE. Dr. Zhivago, OUT!” [CLICK!]

I gave him mono. Sorry, CSU. [CLICK!]

Ahem. To the asshole janitor who leaves a puddle of piss each night in the Hall Building elevator: The anointed baby Santa-Jesus once said, ‘thou shalt not leave puddles of thine own pee to sop itself into a carpet spread.’ If not, remember: Febreeze that shit. Especially if it’s shit. The smell is somewhat ambiguous. But if so, see: Fiber One. [CLICK!]

YOU KNOW? Maybe it’s the booze, but after six hours of a CSU meeting, you guys get pretty darn attractive. Screw Robert, and his rules. [CLICK!]

Okay, so there’s this administrator who had this tie and I swear he wore it to every Board of Governors meeting for a year. It had roosters and alarm clocks and sunrises in it. What the hell? You’d think if you were a vice president of a company that sounds effectively like it should be run by 1960s comic book super villains you’d be able to find something a bit more appropriate. Honestly, what gives? If you are reading this, go buy a new tie. [CLICK!]

Do you like drugs?! Have I got a deal for you! Starting today, I will be launching SketchyDuRag, my new illicit substances distribution service! Business open from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m., Sunday to Thursday, except for Pessah, Shavuot, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hanukkah and Boxing Day. Find me at the rear entrance smoking area of the Webster library. Shalom, biotch! [CLICK!]

Concordia: where you pay for a “real education for the real world,” but only get a real education once in the real world. [CLICK!]

I voted yes for the greenhouse. Why? Have you ever fucked in the greenhouse? Me neither, but losing that option would be a travesty. Think about it. [CLICK!]

So the janitors have this zamboni that they use to clean the floors at Concordia. It’s really selfish of them. This privilege should be on a rotating, volunteer basis. I don’t have a car and I think driving something would be fun. Also, I’d be contributing to society without having to deal with poor people. Just me and the open road. Or hall, as it were. [CLICK]

IMPEACH LEX GILL! Wait. What year is this? Where am I? Damn it. [CLICK!]

The Presse Café next to Guy-Concordia [metro station] is the worst place in the world. Putting aside that it’s a shitty link in a crappy coffee shop chain, but that can be forgiven. No, the worst part is that they have something akin, in this day in age, to bell-bottom pants, white guy ‘fros or overt racism—Wi-Fi that you have to pay for. What the fuck? My great-great-grand uncle didn’t die in World War II for this shit. [CLICK!]

To the guy in the metro who plays the accordion: You’re awesome, man. You make me feel like I’m living in the movie Rat Race or something, and that fucking rules. That movie was terrible as all hell, but it makes my commute a bit more lively, so keep on keepin’ on with your sweet jams. [CLICK!]

This is for all the girls who have to deal with that goddamn broken hand dryer in the fourth-floor Hall bathroom. What the hell is up with that thing? It just starts and stops and starts and stops over and over again and you always think it’s gonna start working but nooo, it never does. And then you’re standing there looking like an idiot who can’t figure out something as basic as a hand dryer, when really it’s not my problem man, I’m doing the best I can. [CLICK!]

Hi. I just wanna say, I’ve been skateboarding for 11 years; it’s my passion. My lifeblood. The whisky to my Ron Swanson. Now that the sun is out again and the snow has melted, I’m hyped. But skating to class down the de Maisonneuve bike lane earns me many angry glances from y’all. To the haters I say, S on my D. I get it, it’s loud. A rumble increasing in volume as I shred past you. Skating on the gravelly, pot-holey terrain that is the streets of Montreal results in that. Not my fault, old lady with her dog barking bloody murder at me. All I’m trying to say is, don’t hate, go skate. And if you yell, “Do a kickflip,” or anything involving Tony Hawk at me, you are a tool of the highest calibre. Probably a rollerblader! [CLICK!]

Hello? Can anyone hear me? I’m stuck in the Hall Building stairwell and I can’t get out! Too sweaty to open doors. Panting… losing breath… please, I just need to make it to the 12th floor to hand in my poli sci paper… fading… fast… REALLY, HOW HARD IS IT TO FIX THE ESCALATORS??? [CLICK!]