The CSU’s Mobile Liquor Licence

Little-Known Service Lets You Get Drunk Anywhere on Campus

Special IssueGrimsby Truncate-Particles — Published April 1, 2014

The Mobile Liquor Licence—unknown to most Concordians until the clubs fair in September 2013—allows students to take the party with them. From the mysterious Hall Building sub-sub-basement to the greenhouse, all you need to do is flash this colourless, odourless licence and you’ll be painting the ivory tower puke-green in no time.

“I really like mixing drinking with winter sports,” said Kyle Josh Brayden, president of the Concordia Sports Club. “I like to take a little sled full of vodka with me around school. Shots off a ski, a hockey stick, the freshly-sharpened blade of a skate—if it’s sporty and has at least one flat surface, it’s a good time waiting to happen.”

“The Mobile Liquor Licence has really helped me meet new people,” said Luther Glasspippin of Young Republicans Concordia. “I just find someone who looks like a porter in the Hall Building and get them to follow me around carrying my keg of Schlitz while I hand out business cards. It’s amazing how accommodating people can be if they’re promised alcohol!”

The 2013 clubs fair saw the typically dry seventh floor of the Hall Building jumping and bumping with liquids of all kinds, especially at the fraternity and sorority tables where drinks ranging from Jagermeister catheters to Budweiser-and-water cocktails were avidly consumed.

“Frats and sororities depend on an image of camaraderie which alcohol facilitates,” said Biff Chipps, president of Concordia’s Epsilon Omicron Jolteon fraternity.

Without this crucial ingredient, “our questionable institutions and their disturbing regulation of human interaction would surely wither under the eyes of the discerning student body,” he said.

“Enh,” said outgoing VP Student Life Corrina Calypso when asked about the legality of the application of the license at the beginning of the school year.

“We just figured, ‘Fuck it.’ Exams, am I right?”

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.