Should I Buy a Cycling Cap?

Graphic Vivien Leung

If you’re not sure then you probably shouldn’t. I think that’s a pretty good rule when it comes to looking cool, or at least trying hard to look cool. A perfect example of trying hard at wearing clothes is a cycling cap.

Obviously trendy garments have different meanings for different people, but outside of “serious” cycling and keeping your hair from poking through your helmet vents, wearing a cycling cap can only mean one thing: “I want to associate myself with ‘Bike Culture.’”

Wanting to associate yourself with bike culture generally means: “I want to sleep with someone who appreciates/is part of bike culture,” or “I entertain fantasies of working as a bicycle courier, but would probably never do so or maybe did for like, a week.”

This makes couriers mad, which creates a tricky paradox of offending the people on whom you’ve built your most recent personal style. This is doubly difficult because for many messengers, the entire job is simply a most recent personal style.

Dykes, however, get a free pass. The hats, much like the plumage of a junglebird or buttocks of a baboon, are deeply important in their mating rituals. Studies show that 67% of drunken 3rd base lesbo hookups are the direct or indirect result of a mutual appreciation of the fixed gear bicycles they so awkwardly pilot. The other 33% are the result of conversations about radical ‘zines, guerilla knitting and vintage all-girl rock groups.

P.S. If you’re a lesbo courier, you win. Everybody wants to bone you.

—Tristan Lapointe

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 08, published October 5, 2010.