Nah’msayin?

The “Tall Kids” Are Taking Over

OpinionsZachary Goldberg-Mota — Published March 31, 2015

You know the ones I mean. They were tall as children, they were tall until puberty, and then everyone else shot up over them. And then they were just average. Or worse, they were short.

You’ve seen ‘em.

Takin’ up too much space on the train, snapping at slow store clerks, raging on the roads. They’re bitter, you see—these damn Tall Kids tasted the glory of true length long enough to revel in it, only to have it swept away from them before they could ever really enjoy it.

And now they’re average, or short, and they’re living as the second-class citizens people below 5’10” are.

And you know these damn Tall Kids hate us for it. They hate the Truly Tall. They hate our long arms that reach cookie jars on high shelves. They hate our fantastic vantage points, our fabulous sex lives and our proud saunters to and fro.

And what’s more, these damn Tall Kids are sapping our livelihoods! I tell you, it’s true! They steal our tax dollars with government-provided high chairs and budget addendums for province-sponsored Homes for the Vertically Challenged! I don’t know about the rest of the city, but as a Truly Tall, I find this absolutely preposterous! I simply just don’t see why my precious income should be shelled out just to help some damn Tall Kid.

No, we Truly Tall deserve better for our income. Use it for something important, and honourable, and sensible. Like the military! Instead of another ten billion Truly Tall dollars being forked over to some Homeless Shelter or Retirement Centre, let’s get our police forces back on track with some brand new anti-personnel missiles! We all know the SPVM need ‘em, with all these damn Tall Kid protests in the works.

You all best take heed of my words, now! If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: these goddamn Tall Kids are taking over!