Where are the Pancakes?

I’m very disappointed in you. I have read all of your columns and there is way too much sex and not enough pancakes in everything you write. I haven’t seen you mention breakfast food once and I demand that you stop misleading readers. Tell me everything you know about pancakes! —Craving Cake

You’re right. The truth is I’ve focused so much on sex because I actually know nothing about pancakes other than how to eat them.

I didn’t know where to start so I put my trust in Google and sought out some reliable breakfast food resources to share. I started a search for the sexiest pancakes I could find—a pretty quick search once I eliminated all the pancake porn. Really? So sticky.

From there I discovered my new favourite cooking blog, Cooking Comically, by Tyler Capps (my new hero). Tyler’s blog delivers recipes through comics and his recipe for “Sexy Pancakes” was the perfect way to finally introduce my readers to a hot sticky mess. Finally, the hate mail would stop.

Behold Tyler’s perfect Sexy Pancakes. You should probably check out his actual comic since some awesomeness (but no deliciousness) will be lost in translation.

Sexy Pancakes by Tyler Capps

Difficulty: A bit of effort but holy shit!
Serves 2 to 3

First things first: put the Bisquick down—it doesn’t have to be this way!

1. Gather ingredients (softly).
1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3-1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tbspt sugar
1-3/4 cups milk
1 egg
3 tbsp melted butter
1 tsp cinnamon
Vanilla extract
Pecan pieces (optional, but do it)
Granny Smith apple (optional,but do it)
Maple syrup (optional, but do it)

2. Grab your dry ingredients and combine (gently).

3. Add your wet ingredients (sweetly).

4. Stir (discreetly).
Not too much though. Overworked flour means tough pancakes. Having a few lumps left is okay.

5. Put in the fridge (completely) and let things chill for a bit.

6. Pre-heat and butter your skillet.

7. Chop the apple
(fact: all food tastes better when chopped with a sword).

8. Spoon that batter into your pan.
It may be a bit thick. This is okay.

9. Time to add the apples.
Press the slices right into the batter and cook as usual; wait for bubbles and flip.

10. Repeat until you’re ready to stack, pour some syrup, throw in some nuts and cream your pancakes.

11. Serve hot.
Preferably to a pretty lady/dude/gender non-conforming individual. Then do a happy dance.

FIN.

—Melissa Fuller

Got a breakfast food problem? Beware of adding “sexy” before any breakfast food in Google searches. Or enjoy, whatever, no judgment.

Submit your (sexual health) question anonymously at sex-pancakes.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook.

Got a quick question? Just need a resource? Text SextEd at 514-700-0445 for a confidential answer within 24 hours!

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