Too Big For Comfort?

I recently started dating a new guy and I really like him but I think he’s too big for me. We haven’t tried having sex and I’m scared it will hurt or not fit in my vagina, so I get really stressed when we fool around. I don’t want this to be the reason things don’t work between us, so is there anything I can do?
—Size Woes

Absolutely! There can be some challenges to being with a well-endowed guy, but there are things you can do to overcome them.

As a general rule, you will need to be relaxed. When we’re stressed, we tend to tense our muscles, which can make penetration difficult and painful. You’ll want to take some steps to create a less stressful situation.

Before anything else, talk about it with your partner. This will help eliminate some stress, because the need to hide your fear from someone directly implicated in it is only going to make it worse.

This can be intimidating in a new relationship, but you want to feel comfortable enough to speak up in case you do feel pain when trying to have sex. If he’s larger than average, he’s probably already aware of it and may have been through this before with another partner.

Next, you’ll want to take control. There should be an understanding between you and your partner that you will decide when you’re ready to try penetration and you will be in control of it at the beginning. This is safer since you can stop as soon you feel pain without needing to communicate it first, and just knowing that might help you relax.

Heading into physical steps you can take, a basic understanding of the physiological changes during female sexual arousal will help. During arousal, the vagina lubricates, the external genital organs swell due to increased blood flow, and the vaginal canal enlarges.

The lubricating and enlarging is what allows a vagina to accommodate different penis sizes, including larger-than-average ones. In explaining this process, I like to compare the vagina during arousal to a sock.

When not aroused, the vaginal walls touch and the vaginal canal is short—the sock is closed and folded onto itself. When aroused, the uterus rises and lengthens the vaginal canal, while the vaginal walls lubricate and separate from each other to create space—the sock is stretched and ready to be filled. This process of creating space happens during arousal, so the more aroused you are, the more space your vagina will create.

This makes foreplay central to comfortable penetration since it opens you up. You’ll want to take your time and be thorough. Some people like to have an orgasm before penetration to relax, but this can also backfire since your body could quickly return to its un-aroused state after orgasm.

It can help to check your arousal with your fingers throughout foreplay to see how much space there is and what your vagina feels like when fully aroused.

If you’re ready to try having sex, a store-bought lube will be your best friend. Regardless of how naturally lubricated you are and even if you’re using a lubricated condom, there’s no such thing as too much lube in this situation.

Finally, positioning can make all the difference. Certain positions may be difficult because of the angle or depth of the penetration.

It helps to start out in a position you can control, such as you on top. From there, you can test other ones once you’ve warmed up. Positions from behind might be more difficult with a longer penis since they will hit deeper, but it really is a process of trial and error.

While larger penises get talked up a lot, they can present challenges to full sexual expression for one or both partners. Unfortunately it just doesn’t work out for some couples, but this situation is pretty rare. The key is to not give up too quickly and to take a break when feeling frustrated.

A positive attitude goes a long way in keeping you calm, but if you’re in pain, it’s time to take a breather. These tips will help in most cases but if ever you try them and it doesn’t work out, write back and we’ll see what else we can do!

The Download - October 16, 2014 »

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